Archive for Category: "Vile Vociferations"


Politifact Declares ‘Pants on Fire’ to Trump’s statement: ‘You know, I’m, like, a smart person.’

According to a Politifact spokesperson it took only 30 seconds to confer the verdict, ‘Pants on Fire’ as well as award Trump the 2016 Lie of the Year award.

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Hillary Clinton: ‘It’s Time to Break the Ass Ceiling’

No one can say that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton minces words.

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Scott Walker Signs Law Declaring Himself a ‘Genius’

   Wisconsin Governor and presidential hopeful Scott Walker has finally answered critics who have suggested that he does not have the proper education to govern.  This morning, Walker signed into law a measure that would define anyone with an I.Q. of 90 or higher as a “genius”. During today’s press conference Walker stated:  “I’ve always known I was exceptional but today everyone knows that I am a genius. I is proof that we don’t need no education department. I may […]

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Sarah Palin Knocks Self Unconscious Taking Ice Bucket Challenge

Earlier today, Sarah Palin knocked herself unconscious while participating in the Ice Bucket Challenge. Sponsored by the ALS Association, the Ice Bucket Challenge has participants film themselves pouring a bucket of water and ice over their heads. According to aides, Palin was unaware that the ice bucket was supposed to contain water and instead froze the entire bucket before dumping the large block of ice directly onto her own head. Unconscious, she was rushed to the hospital where doctors confirmed that […]

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The Walking Red: The Truth about Florida’s “Zombie” Cover-up

  Over the past two years, Florida has been the scene of a series of violent and unusual attacks. These incidents have led to nationwide speculation as to the presence of zombies in the Sunshine State. After an exhaustive investigation into the story, it is now clear that Florida Governor Rick Scott and former Governor Jeb Bush are engaging in a disturbing and potentially deadly cover-up. The “zombie” attacks were not perpetrated by creatures from a horror movie or even […]

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Walmart Lowers Minimum Wage to $1 after Hobby Lobby Victory

Commencing immediately, Walmart is lowering the minimum wage of their 2.2 million employees to $1 per hour and permanently ending all health and retirement benefits. The CEO of Walmart, C. Douglas McMillon, made the announcement in a press conference just seconds after the Supreme Court of the United States handed down its controversial decision in Burwell v Hobby Lobby. The conservative court determined that for-profit corporations do not have to abide by the Affordable Care Act’s contraception coverage requirement if […]

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Republican Environmental Caucus Concedes Major Climate Issue: Rain is not in fact God’s Tears

The preponderance of scientific evidence has finally forced the conservative environmental caucus to concede one of the most divisive climate issues facing our nation. Conservative leaders now freely admit that rain is not the result of God’s tears. For years the scientific consensus is that rain is liquid water in the form of droplets that have condensed from atmospheric water vapor and then become heavy enough to fall due to gravity. However, many conservatives have preached that this is just […]

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Tea Party Mistakenly Protests Arizona Thespian Center: “Thespians are against God’s will”

An innocent celebration turned chaotic Thursday as Tea Party demonstrators descended on Tucson, Arizona to protest the newly built Arizona Thespian Center. Led by Minnesota Senator Michele Bachmann, the protesters interrupted the ribbon cutting ceremony for the 1200-seat performing arts center by screaming a series of homophobic expletives, throwing objects at participants and threatening to “burn that building of sin to the ground”. Or as they would call it, doing God’s work. The participants of the ribbon cutting ceremony seemed […]

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Paul Ryan: “Food Stamps are Unnecessary, Trickle-Down Nutrition Works”

Speaking before yesterday’s weekly GOP luncheon at Le Petit Diable, Congressman Paul Ryan spoke about the rampant fraud within SNAP (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program) and his desire to eliminate the program permanently: “Last week we cut $8.7 billion from the food stamp program falling well short of the $40 billion cut we requested. As a nation, we need to stop feeding the immorality and stomachs of the these inner-city leeches that use and abuse this program . Good, honest, hard-working […]

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President Obama Forgets How to Spell ‘Respect’ After Five Long Years of Never Being Given Any

Sadly, President Obama just can’t get any ‘rspect’. After a particularly yummy Taco Tuesday, this past Thursday the White House decided to host the Women of Soul. Attended by a myriad of outstanding female musicians including Aretha Franklin, Melissa Etheridge, Patti Labelle and others, the event was held to honor the musical contributions of this country’s female artists. Also in attendance was President Obama who addressed the gathering: “When Aretha first told us what R-S-P-E-C-T meant to her, she had no […]

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