"We are working diligently to combat Mr. Jones' acute paranoia and obsessive compulsivity to link all tragedy to the United States government."
"We are working diligently to combat Mr. Jones' acute paranoia and obsessive compulsivity to link all tragedy to the United States government."
In the land of the free, where a woman is raped every 24 seconds and only 3% of perpetrators ever face jail time, one state is finally fighting back.
Did you know that every single hour thousands of people are traumatized by ads featuring sad but cute animals accompanied by the soul-wrenching music of Sarah McLachlan?
"These young negroes need to know where we as a party really stand. We stand up for freedom and civil liberties. That is of course the freedom for white business owners to deny individuals from their establishments based only upon the color of skin."
“The gay marriage movement is making a lot of progress. It will be legal in the whole country soon; I think that’s obvious. And when that happens, I really think people will seriously consider supporting polygamous marriages too."
Jesus Christ was selected as the winning choice and no other candidates were in the running. The state bird remains the cardinal, the state language remains English, and the state sport remains NASCAR. No other changes were made.
The project, referred to internally as “Operation Hard Reset,” evidently involves construction of a colossal power button somewhere in the desert southwest of Carson City, Nevada, according to government sources speaking on condition of anonymity.
"The solar spill is not just affecting our neighborhood. It has spilled over the entire state. And our last analysis proved that the spill has spread over the entire Northern Hemisphere. Solar energy was leaking over half the world for twelve hours."
"Sen. Mary Pilcher-Cook (R-Shawnee) described the bill saying, "once a child is thought about in the eye of its father it has taken on a true existence. We need to protect and defend that life to the fullest extent of the law. Thoughts can't just protect themselves, you know."
On a trip to Egypt, President Obama visited the Pyramids at Giza. While inside one of the Pyramids he noticed a hieroglyphic of an ancient king and admitted that it was indeed him.