Articles By: Molly Schoemann


GOP Slams Jolie for Murdering Innocent Breasts

Although Jolie’s difficult choice to undergo surgery in the hope of reducing her chances of developing breast cancer later in life was widely praised, a majority of conservative lawmakers in the US were angered by what they called “an unbelievably reckless and inconsiderate act of breasticide.”

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Google Exec Completes Successful Trip to North Korea by Leaving Alive

“While they did not promise to take steps to lift their widespread ban on the internet, North Korean officials did allow me to leave their country alive, and mostly unimpeded. I consider this to be a strong victory for the United States, and a step forward in diplomatic relations between our two countries.”

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Americans Hoping This is The Last Season of Congress

As a result, many industry insiders are hoping that when they reach the end of their current term, the once-popular US Congress, whose ratings have dropped steadily over the last several decades, will not be picked up for another season.

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Paul Ryan Actually Two Kids in a Burlap Sack

GOP supporters across the country have reacted with stunned disbelief to the discovery, made in the weeks following the presidential election, that Republican Vice Presidential nominee Paul Ryan was actually two kids disguised in a burlap sack.

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Karl Rove Shakes Fist, Stomps on Hat

Shaking his fist angrily at the camera, Rove appeared to be addressing voters directly. “You people get back here,” he snarled. “I’m not finished with you yet!” After another five minutes of shaking his fist and yelling obscenities, he announced, “You haven’t seen the last of old Karl, you hear?”

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Police Fight to Contain Pre-Election Rioting Among 1%

In anticipatory dread of a second-term presidency for Obama, America’s wealthiest citizens have reportedly taken to rioting in the streets—breaking storefront windows with diamond-tipped canes and flipping over Hummers and private jets.

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Romney: Obama Should Have Condemned Sandy as “An Act of Weather Terrorism”

This week presidential hopeful Mitt Romney released a statement expressing outrage at the President’s refusal to refer to the recent super storm Sandy as “a terrorist act of weather.”

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Ryan Plans to Offer Vouchers to Residents of New Jersey Coast

During several stops along the way, Ryan met with anxious residents to reassure them that once elected, a Romney-Ryan administration would provide them with all the vouchers they needed to rebuild their shattered lives.

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Millennials: Obama Not Supportive Enough of My Personal Dreams

As evidence of this, Davis noted that President Obama has refused to follow her back on Twitter, has not personally friended her on Facebook, and to her knowledge has never visited either her cooking blog or her Tumblr.

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Paul Ryan: “Did I Miss the Physical Challenge Portion of the Race?”

Ryan admitted that in the days leading up to the Vice Presidential debate, he had been under the impression that the physical challenge would be directly following it.

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