Articles By: Eric Hetvile


Target Easing Fears Of Sexual Assault With New Trump-Only Bathrooms

Target is investing millions of dollars nationally to ease the public’s fears of sexual assault in its restrooms.

Continue Reading →

Wealthy And Famous White Man Has Never Had His Race Held Against Him

Hall of Fame NFL coach Mike Ditka made news recently by telling San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick to stand for the national anthem or “get the hell out of the country.” In his comments, he singlehandedly debunked Kaepernick’s startling claims of racism and instances of police overreach in the United States. Ditka pointed out that he, a football player who was selected in the first round of the NFL draft, had immediate success on the field, retired immediately into […]

Continue Reading →

No Recognition Of ‘Aleppo’ Disqualifies Candidate From Running Against Man With Putin Poster Over Bed

Libertarian Presidential Candidate Gary Johnson made a huge gaffe during a recent interview.

Continue Reading →

Zero More Dead In Horrific National Anthem Incident

Zero more people lost their lives before the preseason NFL game between his San Francisco 49ers and the Green Bay Packers when Niner quarterback Colin Kaepernick sat quietly during the playing of “The Star-Spangled Banner.” Anguish filled the hearts of many as countless people were harmed due to the player’s thoughtless actions. Many were certain of the horrific nature of the event, but not one actual casualty could be counted. “This country stands for freedom, liberty, justice for all — […]

Continue Reading →

RNC Audience Confused By Melania Trump’s Repeated References To ‘Barack and I’

Here’s the moment everyone is talking about.

Continue Reading →

U.S. Supreme Court Blocks Texas Abortion Law, Rules Texas No Longer Allowed To Make Laws

Seems perfectly understandable.

Continue Reading →

GOP Rivals: Trump Only Pretending To Hold Horrific Republican Views

Each is pointing to evidence that Trump has not always held the horrific views that characterize the Republican party.

Continue Reading →

Recent Inflammatory Ted Nugent Comments Are Being Called ‘All One Great Big Understanding’

“He really is an asshole.”

Continue Reading →

God Vehemently Denies ‘Personal Relationship’ With Ted Cruz

God didn’t really want people to think he and Cruz were close.

Continue Reading →

Groundhog Sees Republican Candidate List, Predicts Six More Months of Assholes

A crowd gathered at Gobbler’s Knob early this morning, awaiting the emergence of the famed groundhog named Punxsutawney Phil.

Continue Reading →