Newly appointed Education Secretary Betsy DeVos is taking a bold approach to educating the young people of the United States- a ban on teaching. On Tuesday afternoon just hours after her nomination was confirmed, DeVos and Trump announced a new executive order which prohibits the use of “teaching” in public schools. According to DeVos, the term “teaching” is an “elitist liberal term that only allows for the education of children via facts and does not take into account alternative forms of education”. The new term, which will take affect starting March 1, will be “enlightening.” During the press conference DeVos stated, “Learning needs be better. This less confusing for students. Enlightening good. Jesus good. Trump good. Goodbye.” The Department of Education released a sample of the new guidelines for the Science curriculum:
Former Lesson: Gravity is a force of attraction that exists between any two masses, any two bodies or any two particles.
Alternative Enlightened Theory: Gravity is God’s way on ensuring that we do not fly off into space. Should we displease God, gravity would be removed and we would simply float away. It is our belief in God that keeps us grounded.
Former Lesson: Dinosaurs are animals that lived approximately 230 million years ago and survived until an extinction event occurred 66 million years ago. Evidence suggests that birds may be descended from dinosaurs.
Alternative Enlightened Theory: When God cast Adam and Eve from the garden, he placed upon the Earth many challenges. Dinosaur bones were one of those challenges. Dinosaurs themselves did not exist; the bones were purposely placed there by God to test the faith of those who found them. The Earth itself is only 6,021 years old.
Former Lesson: Rain is liquid water in the form of droplets that have condensed from atmospheric water vapor and then become heavy enough to fall under gravity.
Alternative Enlightened Lesson: Rain is God showering his essence over his people. Moderate rain is desirable and means God loves you. Heavy rain implies that God believes you are drowning in your sins. God condemns liberals, thus it rains often in areas such as Seattle and Portland. A desert climate means that God has given up on the people.
The new “enlightenment” guidelines have been celebrated as a “revolutionary step toward a superior education.” Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam, stated “We do a disservice to our children when we do not take a fair and balanced approach to their education. This order will protect children from the radical ideas of the left while enlightening them with honest and moral educational principles.” Time will only tell whether the DeVos approach will succeed, but Trump seems optimistic, “We be finally getting good learning here.” In related news, hospitals all over the country are filling up quickly with teachers reporting concussion-like symptoms due to hitting their heads repeatedly against walls.
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Orbson Rice is the author of the book “Exposing My Orbs: The Rise of a Liberal Satirist” and the “Creator” of the blog “The Orbson Oracle” which is thoroughly offensive, often thoughtful and occasionally funny. Stroke your mouse and visit the Oracle to read more or befriend him on Facebook.
Photograph by: Hans Hillewaert