On Wednesday, U.S. National Parks openly defied Donald Trump’s executive gag order by tweeting facts on the effects of climate change. Thursday morning, Trump took his revenge. Signing yet another executive order, Trump sold the rights to the Grand Canyon National Park to ultra-conservative group, Jesus Loves Corporations (JLC) for the fee of $1. The JLC has spearheaded efforts to take over wetlands, drill for oil in nature reserves and close national parks for drilling companies. They’ve petitioned for the Grand Canyon rights in the past but had always been denied. Trump spoke about his decision: “The parks are mine now and I can do with them what I like. What’s best for the country. This is a great day. Wonderful. Tons of jobs. Tons. There’s going to be money falling from the skies because of this.”
A JLC spokesman was on hand as Trump signed the order and he discussed their plans for the former national park. “Today is a great day for those who love Jesus. We are pleased to announce the new site for the “Jesus is My Savior Theme Park and Gun Range,” a wholesome park that will be fun and educational for the entire family. It will bring job growth to the region and increase tourism. At the same time, the park will spread the gospel, something the Grand Canyon never did.”
When asked how they planned to build a theme park in the Grand Canyon, the JLC spokesman stated, “Well, of course we’ll need to fill it in. It’s a huge project, just like Noah’s Ark, but we are extremely thankful that President Trump has agreed to have the federal government help with that part of the construction.” According to plans, it will cost roughly $800 billion to fill in the Grand Canyon with cement. Trump defended the cost citing job creation and the spread of good wholesome values. “The Grand Canyon is not ‘grand’, it is merely a giant hole in the ground. If you had a hole in your backyard you’d fill it up right? I had a hole in my backyard and Mike Pence came over and helped me fill it right up. Felt great to finally put something in that hole. Something beautiful. Look, the Grand Canyon is not profitable but the ‘Jesus is My Savior Theme Park and Gun Range’ will make buckets of money for everyone.”
Construction on the ‘Jesus is My Savior Theme Park and Gun Range’ will begin on Monday, April 17 of this year. According to released documents the park will include such innovative attractions as the Lazarus Rising Rollercoaster, AK47s for Toddlers, The Great Dinosaur Myth Exhibit and The Book of Job Gift Shop and Food Emporium. The highlight of the park will undoubtedly be the one of a kind experiences such as the Do-It-Yourself Crucifixion and the Alter Boy Experience, a wonderful opportunity to have your children spend some enlightened alone time with one of the park’s priests. Admission to the park is expected to be $149 per person, though $499 will give you access to both Experiences as well as your own souvenir bible. Some in the religious community are already excited. Father Michael Carrington of the Church of God but Only My God Not Yours spoke, “I can’t wait to see the legions of boys and girls on their knees and having good time.”
Will this be the beginning of a National Park sell off? Perhaps Trump’s latest tweet might hold the answer, “Told them to shut up, they didn’t. Now one of them is gone. Sad. What do they have to say now? Nothing. New jobs. Winning.”
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Orbson Rice is the author of the book “Exposing My Orbs: The Rise of a Liberal Satirist” and the “Creator” of the blog “The Orbson Oracle” which is thoroughly offensive, often thoughtful and occasionally funny. Stroke your mouse and visit the Oracle to read more or befriend him on Facebook.
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