Zero More Dead In Horrific National Anthem Incident

Zero more people lost their lives before the preseason NFL game between his San Francisco 49ers and the Green Bay Packers when Niner quarterback Colin Kaepernick sat quietly during the playing of “The Star-Spangled Banner.” Anguish filled the hearts of many as countless people were harmed due to the player’s thoughtless actions. Many were certain of the horrific nature of the event, but not one actual casualty could be counted.

“This country stands for freedom, liberty, justice for all — and it’s not happening for all right now,” Kaepernick said. But despite the fact that no one was hurt, Kaepernick refused to apologize.

This all comes on the heels of the shocking lack of effect on anyone when United States Olympic gymnast Gabby Douglas did not put her hand over her heart during the national anthem during the recent Olympic Games in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. In the aftermath of the Douglas disaster, no one was rushed to the hospital as seconds counted for the unscathed bystanders.

“Try that shit in Iran or Saudia Arabia!” said Twitter user @MericaNumOne1. “This is A-fucking-merica where we are free and you stand for the Goddamn national anthem or we kick your ass!”

“I bet he wouldn’t try that in North Korea! They’d put him in a torture chamber for that. Here we just shower him with violent threats and racial epithets on social media. Love it or leave it!” added @ImpeechObumer.

Many more weighed in with additional evidence that the United States is at least better than several other detestable shitholes across the world. Kaepernick posted that he is standing up to the systemic mistreatment of people of color in this country, but he obviously forgot the fact that the President of the United States is African-American and “Will Smith has a lot of money, too.”

Some have questioned whether a compulsory expression of allegiance is appropriate for a nation which characterizes itself as free. To which numerous Twitter users have politely responded, “Shut up, commie!”

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