Smarmy Douchebag Desperately Seeks Way To Make People Hate Him More

Knowing that being an asshole is a big selling point for Republican voters, all the presidential candidates have recently been trying to out-douchebag one another.

Donald Trump is throwing every minority under the bus and now doubled-down on hating women with his “woman card” remark, so this has forced Ted Cruz to up his douchebag game.

After hearing about the “woman card” remark, Cruz said to himself, “Rafael, how do you bash Trump while simultaneously making myself look even worse? I know, add a woman to a make-believe nomination, and have that woman be equally, if not more hated than myself.”

So, in taking his own advice, Cruz quickly phoned failed HP CEO and former Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina. Cruz said to Fiorina:

“Listen, people hate you, right? You outsourced thousands upon thousands of jobs and flushed HP down the toilet. I’m looking for a way to get people to hate me more, because it seems whoever is hated more wins. So, will you consider being my running mate?”

Fiorina responded:

“You haven’t secured the nomination yet. In fact, you would need 120% of the remaining delegates. Which, quite frankly, is mathematically impossible.”

Cruz said:

“Math schmath, like our voters know any of that argle bargle. This could be a way to get enough votes for a contested convention. Whatdaya say?!”

With nothing else on her plate, Fiorina accepted his offer under the condition that if he were to actually gain the nomination, that she be able to bring along her 101 dalmatian puppies for companionship on the campaign trail.

Cruz may be on to something, and who knows, maybe the addition of Fiorina will, in fact, make him more hated than Trump, and in turn help him at the polls. Only time will tell.

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