California Governor Jerry Brown is expected to sign into law a bill which would make it illegal for registered Republicans to use any public restroom in the state. Speaking before the House Committee on Fecal Evacuation, the bill’s chief proponent Phil M. Colon detailed the bill’s purpose and enforcement: “This bill has been a long time coming. Over the years we have received thousands of complaints about Republicans using public restrooms and now we finally have the chance to do something about it.”
According to Colon, there are two primary reasons to be concerned about Republicans use of public restrooms: “First is the obvious problem – they simply can’t be trusted. As Republicans work diligently to discriminate against the innocent transgender community, they completely ignore the fact that it’s Republicans themselves that are the greater threat to the public’s restroom safety.” According to Colon it isn’t only ignorance and fear that Republicans are spreading in restrooms. A large number of leaders in the party have been arrested for a wide array of misdeeds, sexual and otherwise. For example, former Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested for trying to initiate a sexual encounter with an undercover cop in a Minneapolis restroom. There is also Florida Representative Bob Allen who, in a men’s room at a public park, was arrested when he offered to pay $20 and perform oral sex on an undercover cop. Of course who could forget Dennis Hastert, former Republican Speaker of the House who was accused of sexually abusing four male students followed by a litany of illegal acts trying to cover it up. “I don’t know if it’s the repressed nature of Republicans or some deep and disturbing evil within them that makes them behave in this way” says Colon, “but we must act now to stop them and protect the innocent.”
The second rationale Colon offers for banning Republicans from public restroom use has to do with sanitation, “Republicans have proven that they are completely full of fecal matter. Top to bottom, full of it. Having to force good people to be in such close proximity to walking piles of fecal matter is simply not sanitary nor is it pleasant.” At first glance, this may seem like nothing more than an insult but according to researchers at John Hopkins University, Colon may be on to something. “While the classification of Republicans as ‘full of fecal’ matter is a misnomer, there does exist a high level of metaphorical fecal matter stemming from their ignorance, racism, homophobia and fear of knowledge. From a public health standpoint, that ‘fecal matter’ is far more harmful to the population as a whole and should be isolated else it spread to the uninfected.”
Public support for the bill has been overwhelmingly positive. According to one city employee, “I love it! I don’t want my children in the same room with one of those people. It’s not safe. Look, I’m sure some of them are okay but really, we can’t take that chance with our children’s safety.” As for where the Republicans will go to the bathroom, Colon has a simple solution. “We’d suggest that Republicans use bathrooms at their homes. If they fervently believe they need access to public restrooms, than they’ll need to purchase them with money out of their own pocket, build them themselves and designate that they are only to be used by members of their party.” Where will Republicans get funding for these new restrooms? “That’s not really our concern, though evidence points to them demanding Mexico to pay for them.”
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Orbson Rice is the author of the book “Exposing My Orbs: The Rise of a Liberal Satirist” and the “Creator” of the blog “The Orbson Oracle” which is thoroughly offensive, often thoughtful and occasionally funny. Stroke your mouse and visit the Oracle to read more or befriend him on Facebook.