An undercurrent of chaos and emotional distress swept across the nation Friday as Americans from coast to coast struggled in vain to wash from their memory the mental images of Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz having sexual relations with literally anybody on the planet.
The images, conjured in the wake of recent rumblings from the National Enquirer that Cruz has conducted multiple illicit affairs with women over the past decade, seem to have relatively few common details. Some feature traditional bedroom scenes, while others reportedly feature diverse locales such as Cruz’s campaign headquarters, the mens’ room of Cruz’s official tour bus, and a dingy janitorial supply closet somewhere in eastern Oklahoma. All images, however, feature one unifying element: the sweaty and grimacing Texas senator locked in crude sexual congress with someone who clearly was led to believe that this was at some level a good idea.
Across the United States, the impact has been profound. Mental trauma centers in twenty-eight states reported a drastic uptick in new patient admissions, while unverified accounts report a 16% increase in deaths from cardiac arrest nationwide. While the deaths in question cannot be confirmed as directly related to the stories of Cruz’s sexual exploits, EMT technicians confide that the twisted expressions of revulsion and despair on the faces of victims leave little doubt as to the underlying cause. In a coincidental twist, BRF Manufacturing, the world’s leading manufacturer of air-sickness bags, disclosed a robust 2800% increase in March sales.
President Barack Obama, who has already condemned the disruptive tone of the Republican presidential race, took to the White House lawn for an impromptu public address, reassuring the nation that like all catastrophes, this one too will end. “I’m with you, America. I read these stories, and my mind just…you feel that rise in your throat. That face…those guttural, piglike noises I have no doubt that the Senator makes while in the throes of whatever grotesque mockery of passion lives behind those pallid eyes…
“I implore each of you to find your own path to sanity, America. Try thinking of birds. Try…thinking of…I dunno, houses. Ice cream. A sporting event. Anything that will wash this nightmare…Christ, I can’t do it. I can’t,” finished the president, shaking his head. “Good luck, America. Holy shit.”