God, the Supreme Being of All Creation, has usually stayed out of American politics but was recently found at the back of the auditorium during a less publicized South Carolina town hall event. He stopped for a short chat before insisting He leave for a prior obligation, but when asked about Texas Senator Ted Cruz and others’ repeated claims of having a personal relationship with Him, the Lord Himself vehemently refuted the assertions.
“Look, Ted Cruz and those other guys, even Carly… are human just like anybody else, so you know, I guess I must claim them from that respect. You know, we can’t all be perfect. Though as far as a personal relationship with Ted…or any of them? No, I would never characterize it that way. I may have seen Ted at a few parties. Might have nodded to Rubio in an elevator once, maybe. I did tap Ben Carson on the shoulder a time or two during a few debates just to snap him out of it. Caught a show at one of Trump’s casinos. Fiorina? You’re kidding, right? And Huckabee? Fuck that guy. But no, there’s absolutely no personal relationship anywhere there. I generally keep to myself and have actually been working on some struggles with anxiety. I have just a few close friends with which I’d actually consider the relationship to be close and personal. It’s kind of upsetting to see people claiming that they are so close with me when we never even speak to each other.”
God would not elaborate on which humans he might actually have such a close and personal relationship with, and was last seen boarding a silver bus that appeared to be smoking heavily from the open windows. He added only, “Can’t wait to get back on the road again!”