Groundhog Sees Republican Candidate List, Predicts Six More Months of Assholes

A crowd gathered at Gobbler’s Knob early this morning, awaiting the emergence of the famed groundhog named Punxsutawney Phil. The event emcee tapped his cane on Phil’s tree-trunk cage and the furry animal emerged. Cheers greeted the mammalian oracle as he was held overhead. Phil did not respond, other than to blink repeatedly. Placed on top of the trunk, he immediately attempted to flee.

“Ted Cruz? Donald Trump? Marco Rubio? Chris Christie? Carson? Bush? Fiorina? This is worse than the electric enema you give the minks. I predict six more months of assholes! And if you don’t take care of this, I’ll see you in 2020, fuckwads.”

Phil quickly returned to his trunk without further comment. Opinions are mixed as to what this means about the coming Spring.


Featured image: Pennlive


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