On Sunday, Tea Party darling Louie Gohmert announced that he’ll be putting his hat in the ring to become Speaker of the House, ousting John Boehner.
He feels America needs to really focus on the things that matter, like white people, hating non-white people, keeping our borders safe from “invading” non-white people, making the United States under Christian religious rule while being against all other religions, and making sure meatloaf Mondays are a staple in the Congressional cafeteria.
During his announcement speech he clarified several of his positions and let us know that he wants to be “Speaker of America!”
“My fellow citizens, it is with great joy that I come to you today. I believe our country is on a path to destruction. Don’t believe the corrupted news media telling you the nation has recovered and actually doing better than it has in decades. That’s a lie. I lie from the devil himself.
We need to go in a new direction. We don’t need hope and change. We don’t need a ‘Contract with America’ we need an actual God-lover in the third most powerful seat in the nation. We need a person that will bring Christianity to making laws.
No more of this helping the poor and punishing the wealthy! No more being kind to our neighbors, we to need to lock up our borders and send all the other illegal brown people, err, aliens back! No more healthcare for those who can’t afford it! We need to do what Jesus would do! And with the help of Jesus, I’m going to be Speaker of America! A speaker that values American values because they’re valuable. Values like valuing values.
I hope I can count on America to contact their local representatives to help put me in a role that will bring America back to a time when we valued values. I look forward to becoming the man who is most valuable in forming laws — laws that will value values and all things truly American.
Gohmert then grumbled something, winked, caressed his head, shouted “giddy-up America!” and walked away.