Suspected Ebola Case Thankfully Just Demonic Possession


A recently suspected Ebola case in Texas has thankfully turned out to just be a simple case of demonic possession. The public had grown nearly hysterical with thoughts that this could be the beginning of an unstoppable plague that would be unable to be contained.

When word of the potential infection first surfaced, there were immediate calls to stop all airline flights to and from the United States and to quarantine anyone with so much as a sniffle. Some had called for anyone with African heritage to be sent to another country, though those requests were only from a few southern state legislatures and predated the Ebola outbreak by many years.

The patient had been reluctant to seek treatment for the possibility of Ebola infection because she expected unfair shaming and ostracizing. We here at Free Wood Post feel those fears are unfounded. The patient, who local authorities have been referring to simply as “Patient Evil Death Scourge Who Will Kill Us All” for her protection, did not recall coming into contact with anyone carrying the Ebola virus and has not been to Africa, but did remember watching “Roots” as a small child.

The CDC completed their analysis of the patient yesterday and have concluded that this is a textbook demonic possession and is nothing that can be transmitted by casual contact at this time. The patient might know way too many personal details about your deceased mother, which is pretty creepy, and her body is most likely occupied in some part by Satan, Prince of Darkness, but it is completely safe to handle her vomit and feces without risk of infection.

Local communities are breathing a sigh of relief upon hearing the news.

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