Red Bull Sued As People Complain They Never Sprouted Wings


It appears Red Bull has gotten themselves into a sticky situation, and not just their product spilling all over the floor of some bar somewhere. Several consumers of the energy drink are upset because they never sprouted wings post-consumption as the product suggests in all advertising.

“I really wanted to fly like a bird,” said Tiffany Crumple of Florida. “I drank a good twelve gallons of the stuff, stood in front of the mirror and nothing. I waited for days and nothing. I didn’t get no wings. Not even one where I could at least fly in circles.”

Gerry Goldsblatten of Winsconsin said, “It was going to be my chance to be a hero. I was going to save my town from all evil-doers. I had a name and costume picked out and everything. Those dreams are now gone. GONE! I want my money back!”

“My dream was to be a Victoria Secret’s model” said Lori McGillytoop of Southern California. “I figured if I sprouted wings I could be a head above the rest in getting to model the Angel collection. I drank so much Red Bull I could’ve run a half marathon in 14 minutes, but no…. no wings. My dreams have been crushed and I’ll never be a model.”

Red Bull is currently working out how they will get money back to their consumers who have never heard of “caveat emptor” Latin for “let the buyer beware.” “A doctrine that places the burden to reasonably examine property before purchase and take responsibility for its condition. Especially applicable to items that are not covered under a strict warranty.”

We here at Free Wood Post will keep you up do date as this story unfolds.

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