WASHINGTON D.C. — In his press conference this morning President Obama told reporters, “Over Labor Day I had time to do some reading, and finally had a chance to get through the copy of Atlas Shrugged Paul Ryan had given me in 2009. Labor Day just seemed like the time to be reading Ayn Rand.”
“I must admit that at first I was skeptical, but then those 70-page monologues really got to me. I realize now that America is headed in the wrong direction, and that we must correct immediately.”
The President went on to add that “while Democrats and myself have always had our heart in the right place in trying to help those less fortunate, we have really been doing people a disservice by weakening their incentives to work, while also penalizing the heroic job creators who’ve done so much for all of us.”
“I have contacted Congressional leaders to work with me on proposals to eliminate Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security and food stamps. Social Security and Medicare are not only our biggest expenses, they have also removed any incentive for 75 and 85-year-olds to work or start businesses, and that must change. …Oh, look at me, I started monologuing just like John Galt. I’ve been talking for 40 minutes. I guess that book really has rubbed off on me.”
When reached for comment, Paul Ryan claimed never to have read Ayn Rand. “You must have me confused with someone else. That woman was a crazy atheist who ran a cult and believed abortion was a right. I can’t think of anything more un-American than that.”
Appearing on Fox & Friends Ted Cruz said that “Obama is wrong to bring Ayn Rand, who wasn’t even born in this country, into our national discourse. It’s pretty obvious that the president is trying to introduce foreign ideas as a way to justify taking needed money and medical care from older Americans, probably since he doesn’t have any parents or grandparents alive to benefit from those programs.” His office later issued a statement saying that he was organizing a book burning of all Ayn Rand’s writing to be held at the Library of Congress in October.
Glenn Beck told listeners on his radio show, “Eliminate Medicare and Social Security? It’s pretty obvious Obama doesn’t care about old, white Americans.”
Reporters also asked Rand Paul for comment while at a campaign stop in Iowa, but before they could finish the question, he had fled the scene.