The Walking Red: The Truth about Florida’s “Zombie” Cover-up

 

BushrubiozombiesOver the past two years, Florida has been the scene of a series of violent and unusual attacks. These incidents have led to nationwide speculation as to the presence of zombies in the Sunshine State. After an exhaustive investigation into the story, it is now clear that Florida Governor Rick Scott and former Governor Jeb Bush are engaging in a disturbing and potentially deadly cover-up. The “zombie” attacks were not perpetrated by creatures from a horror movie or even drug addicted felons. No, the truth is even more terrifying- Florida Republicans are turning into zombies.

Over the past two years, Florida has been the scene of a series of violent and unusual attacks. These incidents have led to nationwide speculation as to the presence of zombies in the Sunshine State. After an exhaustive investigation into the story, it is now clear that Florida Governor Rick Scott and former Governor Jeb Bush are engaging in a disturbing and potentially deadly cover-up. The “zombie” attacks were not perpetrated by creatures from a horror movie or even drug addicted felons. No, the truth is even more terrifying- Florida Republicans are turning into zombies.

The plague of “The Walking Red” drew national attention when eyewitnesses and Miami police observed a naked man literally eating the face off of his homeless victim. The attacker was shot but the bullet had no effect. The officer had to fire at least a half of a dozen more times before the foul feast was finally stopped. Sadly, these attacks have continued. The latest incident occurred earlier this year when a man with “superhuman” strength attacked two people in Delray Beach. One of the victims suffered multiple bites to his face.

A team of scientists at the Center for Disease Control (CDC) say that The Walking Red plague is essentially a “psychological zombification” that has increased in frequency over the past decade. The condition develops as Republicans slowly devolve from rational, thinking human beings to mindless automatons. There is usually a trigger that activates the zombie-like state: “We have found that the majority of Walking Red victims were watching Fox News shortly before transcending into full zombie mode. They lose all sense of right and wrong and began blindly attacking those they opposed as Republicans.” That is likely why the “zombie” in Miami chose a homeless person to attack. He felt a primal urge to destroy anything that threatened their conservative mindset. The CDC has created a zombie preparedness website to help those not yet afflicted.

Luckily, there is a cure for The Walking Red plague. “By stabilizing the afflicted and opening their mind to various forms of knowledge, a person can fully recover from the zombified state.” However, efforts to assist the state of Florida have been met with silence. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, an aide to conservative Florida Governor Rick Scott states, “The Governor doesn’t want anyone to know about the outbreak until after the 2016 elections. There have been thousands of these cases that we’ve covered up. The Republizombies will all vote for Jeb Bush for President. If they’re cured, they might not. The Governor won’t take that chance. It’s already affected more than half of our office. I’m scared. I don’t want it to happen to me.”

Differentiating between Republicans and zombies can be difficult. Both groups share many similar traits, most notably their vacant expressions and mindlessly following others without rational independent thought. In addition, both fail to grasp simple concepts that normal human beings grasp easily. Concepts such as open-mindedness, caring for their environment and helping the less fortunate are completely loss on both Republicans and zombies. The desire to attack those different from themselves is also a key attribute to both groups. Whether through verbal or violent attacks, Republicans often assail groups such as women, the LGBT community, “illegal” immigrants, the poor, the non-religious and pretty much anyone else who disagrees with them.

Unfortunately, it appears as though The Walking Red plague may be spreading. “Zombie” attacks have already been reported in Georgia, Alabama and Mississippi. Liberals such as Jon Stewart and Rachel Maddow have been forced into hiding and comedian Bill Maher is currently missing and presumed eaten. The CDC is recommending that unaffected Republicans cease watching Fox News immediately and start reading as many newspapers and books as possible. If you should encounter a member of The Walking Red, you should try to escape immediately. If escape is not possible, saying the following has been known to ward off an attack: “I love Rush Limbaugh!” “Fox News is the only news I watch!” “I hate Obama, he should go back to whatever country he came from!” and “Sarah Palin is really smart.” Of course, many would likely choose to have their faces eaten, rather than having to utter any of those phrases. In these troubled times only one thing is certain, the Walking Red are among us and seeking out their next victims.

 

Check out more from Orbson Rice:

Republican Environmental Caucus Concedes Major Climate Issue: Rain is not God’s Tears

Tea Party Mistakenly Protests Arizona Thespian Center: “Thespians are against God’s will”

Paul Ryan: “Food Stamps are Unnecessary, Trickle Down Nutrition Works

 

Orbson Rice is the author of the book “Exposing My Orbs: The Rise of a Liberal Satirist” and the “Creator” of the blog “The Orbson Oracle” which is thoroughly offensive, often thoughtful and occasionally funny. Stroke your mouse and visit the Oracle to read more or befriend him on Facebook.

 

Unedited Photo by Rob Bixby 

 

Print Friendly

Related posts:

This article was written by on at . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site. Tags:

Comments Closed

Comments are closed