Commencing immediately, Walmart is lowering the minimum wage of their 2.2 million employees to $1 per hour and permanently ending all health and retirement benefits. The CEO of Walmart, C. Douglas McMillon, made the announcement in a press conference just seconds after the Supreme Court of the United States handed down its controversial decision in Burwell v Hobby Lobby. The conservative court determined that for-profit corporations do not have to abide by the Affordable Care Act’s contraception coverage requirement if it is against that company’s religious beliefs. The dissent pointed out the obvious slippery slope stating that this decision would allow corporations to “opt out of any law” to which they object to on religious principles. The dissent appears to be right as Walmart has declared that they believe paying more than $1 per hour is morally corruptive and thus against their religious beliefs.
According to McMillon,
“Today the Supreme Court of this wonderful United States of America has made a just and moral decision. There are many laws in this country and most are good and fair, however we must beware of those laws that seek to corrupt our beliefs. Jesus himself said, “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.” As CEO of Walmart I cannot stand idly by and prevent our employees from entering into the kingdom of God by paying them too much money. That would be morally unsound and thus against our religious beliefs as a corporation. Therefore, from here on out we will help our employees by lowering their minimum wage to $1 per hour and removing the devil’s tools of health and retirement benefits. You are all very welcome!”
Members of the press questioned McMillon’s decision, pointing that he and the other heads of Walmart would still be insanely wealthy and wouldn’t that be morally corrupt as well. McMillon responded, “It would be if wealth is what we desired but this decision is not about profits it is about sacrificing ourselves for the good of our employees. We will bear the burden of wealth so that they do not have to. Again, you are welcome! God bless you and God bless America!”
Since the Supreme Court’s ruling, corporations across the United States have suddenly come upon a serious crisis of faith and are examining the many ways they can rectify the situation. Ending child labor laws, abolishing unions and eliminating employee rights laws that limit work weeks to 40 hours, mandate overtime pay and dictate working conditions all suddenly have become sinful in the eyes of many of our nation’s corporations. Which brings the discussion back to contraceptives. Clearly contraception is wrong because it would prevent the birth of new children to work in the sweatshops. Today is truly a great day to be an American.
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Orbson Rice is the author of the book “Exposing My Orbs: The Rise of a Liberal Satirist” and the “Creator” of the blog “The Orbson Oracle” which is thoroughly offensive, often thoughtful and occasionally funny. Stroke your mouse and visit the Oracle to read more or befriend him on Facebook.
Picture by: Mike Mozart