The preponderance of scientific evidence has finally forced the conservative environmental caucus to concede one of the most divisive climate issues facing our nation. Conservative leaders now freely admit that rain is not the result of God’s tears.
For years the scientific consensus is that rain is liquid water in the form of droplets that have condensed from atmospheric water vapor and then become heavy enough to fall due to gravity. However, many conservatives have preached that this is just one possible theory and that other viable theories including “Cryation” should be taught. Cryation teaches that rain is God showering his tears, both of joy and sadness, over his people. Moderate rain is desirable and means God loves you. Heavy rain basically implies that you are drowning in your sins. God condemns liberals, thus it rains often in areas such as Seattle and Portland. A desert climate such as the Middle East, means that God has given up on you completely. Conservatives leaders now seem willing to admit that Cryationism is highly unlikely. Conservatives could easily blame liberals for the drought in California, however they had no answer as to why Arizona’s rapid conservative ideological shift did not spark an increase in rain in that arid state. Therefore they were forced to acknowledge that rain may in fact not be God’s tears but have some other cause.
This major position change brings about as many questions as it answers. Most notably, what happens when God cries? Clearly it cannot beget hurricanes since those occur when God sneezes. Tornadoes? Nope, that happens when God farts? The tears don’t cause snow since that chilly white substance is obviously God’s masturbatory ejaculations. In fact, the caucus does not make clear what form God’s tears actually take on Earth. Perhaps it is the light morning mist that lies peacefully over the valley in the morning. We may never know. Just as the religious right won’t know what beliefs their leaders are planning to abolish next. Who knows, we may wake up one day to find out that our flat Earth is more than 6,000 years old, that dinosaurs actually existed and that the Earth really does revolve around the sun. The horror.
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Orbson Rice is the author of the book “Exposing My Orbs: The Rise of a Liberal Satirist” and the “Creator” of the blog “The Orbson Oracle” which is thoroughly offensive, often thoughtful and occasionally funny. Stroke your mouse and visit the Oracle to read more or befriend him on Facebook.
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