GOP Blocks Minimum Wage Increase: ‘We Need People Dependent On The Government’

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WASHINGTON, DC — The battle over raising the minimum wage came to a screeching halt today within the halls of Congress as the GOP blocked any form of progress.

Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) said, “Listen, we need people dependent on the government. If people start earning more money, then they won’t need food stamps, and if people don’t need food stamps, how are we going to funnel government dollars to our corporate pals? We also can’t have people realizing they are actually the job creators. That cuts away from our talking point that the wealthy are the job creators, and we want to keep all the breaks for the top two percent in place. Of course consumers are the job creators. Any nincompoop with common sense can figure that out, but luckily most of our supporters don’t have common sense. They’ll keep believing us no matter what because they hate President Obama, and they hate President Obama because we told them to.”

“We can’t let common folk have more money,” said Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI). “If we start letting more people have more money, we’ll lose control, and people will see that Democratic solutions are better for them. We can’t allow that to happen.”

Democrats have vowed this fight for people to be dependent on themselves and worthy of proper pay for their hard work is not over.

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