EARTH – Heavenly God of Creation, maker of heaven and earth, knower of all there ever was and all there ever will be, was forced to destroy practically the entirety of creation after deeming them a bit too much on the wicked side.
“You know, you plan these things…and sometimes things just don’t turn out. Hey, it happens. Nobody’s perfect. I don’t know how anybody could have expected something like this to happen. Sure, there was that angel brief entitled “Al, Katie Determined to Be Wicked… blah blah”, but who reads those?
I think where I went wrong was with this “free will” thing. Yeah, I know it was a big selling point for this universe. ‘Hey, we’ve got free will over here! They’ve chosen on their own to follow my righteous ways.’ Then when you did what I wanted you to do anyway, you could give yourself credit. Seemed like a decent idea at the time. But dammit, man, I think I just gave too long of a leash and didn’t expect people to stray so far off the rails.
I think I made the penis way too sensitive, too. They’re rubbing it up and down and in and out of every damn orifice on the planet. Nobody even wants to work. After we flood out these suckers I’m going to have them start cutting the tips off those damn things to at least take the edge off. Oh well, live and learn. Sometimes you just have to do shit for yourself. Trust me, killing nearly everyone is going to hurt me far worse than it hurts them. I think. I don’t know, I haven’t drowned this many people at one time before.”
When told that the ark that his chosen human built was way too small based on a series of measuring errors, God responded, “Soooon oooof aaaaa biiiiitch!! I guess we can only fit a pair of each animal then…and we’ll have to dump the dinosaurs and unicorns, too!”