Vladimir Putin Wins CPAC Straw Poll For The 2016 Presidential Election


WASHINGTON D.C. — This year at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) many familiar faces were in attendance and even more familiar ideologies.

Among those in attendance were Gov. Rick Perry of Texas, Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, Rep. Paul Ryan of Wisconsin, as well as several others.

Every year at CPAC, a straw poll is held to see which candidate supporters and attendees would like to see run for president. The contenders are a tight crew with Gov. Chris Christie, Gov. Rick Perry, Sen. Rand Paul, Sen. Ted Cruz, and even Sarah Palin. However, this year, there was a write-in candidate that overwhelmingly stole the spotlight and the win for the 2016 spotlight.

It seems the winner of the 2014 CPAC straw poll for President of the United States was none other than Russian President Vladimir Putin. He actually won by such a clear margin, that many are considering prematurely dropping out of the race.

“He stands for everything we believe in,” said Rand Paul. “Small government, and low taxes.”

Sarah Palin said, “He’s just so gosh darn manly. I mean golly, did ya see his scrumdittelyumptious biceps on there giant dog. He’ll be a great president. He’s not at all like the tyrannical, do-nothing, weak leader dictator we have in the White House right now. Good ole Vladdy will stand up to our foreign invaders, and make sure everyone has their rights.”

We here at Free Wood Post tried to explain that President Putin is actually the tyrannical one advocating large government. He is also a huge proponent of minimizing rights, including speech. We then had to explain that Putin is actually oligarchical and a former KGB agent, unlike President Obama.

Conservatives overwhelmingly replied, “but did you see how strong and decisive he is in taking away those rights, and how masculine he looks. Oh, and war… he loves war… and we love war.”

Seeing as Putin is from Russia and not a United States citizen, it is not likely that he will, in fact, be the nominee. Although, the Tea Party has yet to ask for his birth certificate.

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