Man Spends Entire Lunch Break Writing Vitriolic Screed Against Unions


Local factory worker Ted Burns spent his entire lunch break today at the factory writing a lengthy and vitriolic screed against the mere existence of unions in America.

“My great grandfather worked at this exact factory 100 years ago, and he didn’t need no stinking union. He just pulled up his bootstraps every day and limped himself to work (he had gotten his foot caught in a machine that hadn’t been maintained). They called him “Squinty” on account of him getting molten metal splashed in his eyes while working the foundry. He’d work 16 hours a day making 10 cents a day and he never complained a single day in his life all the way up until he was crushed to death by a stack of pipes that wasn’t properly restrained.

That’s how I wanna go out…working hard like a man…as soon as I get back from the family leave I’m taking starting next week for the birth of my baby. I was sick all week earlier this month, but I had plenty of sick days left and I’ve been working overtime making time-and-a-half and putting that with my yearly raise and holiday bonus money so we can buy a new SUV to keep the baby safe.

We’re going to spend a lot of time together on the weekends. I’m going to make sure there’s a good future here for him when he turns 18. No kid should be working before that. Just hope he doesn’t inherit my wife’s eyesight. She has to keep getting fitted for new glasses and contacts just about every year, but at least we’ve got a great vision plan!

Burns says that he is terrified that if the unions take hold, “there’s no telling what kinds of crazy ideas they’ll come up with!”

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