Russia Bans All “Gay” Olympic Sports

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In an effort to help enforce Russia’s new Anti-gay Propaganda law, the Russian administrators overseeing the Sochi games have decided to ban any sport the appears gay.

This includes: Ice dancing, men’s figure skating, two man luge (one man luge is still okay), Woman’s Biathlon and Curling.

Alexei Kosomov, Director of the Russian Sports Federation had this to say about the newly banned sports. “We must keep the gays from invading our country. Ice dancing and men’s figure skating have been banned because those categories are rife with the gays. No heterosexual man would prance around in those costumes. We are allowing the one man luge but see no point in the two man. No one wants to see a man sliding down an ice tunnel with his head in another man’s crotch. For the biathlon we found that women shooting rifles was just two manly and of course we have banned curling because of the costumes.”

The Russian government is going a step further to make sure no homosexuals slip into other categories of sport. They have come up with a test that will be administered to every athlete attending the Sochi games.

Heart monitors will be connected to all competitors. They will be sealed in a room isolated from all distraction and then they will be shown a picture of Russia’s illustrious leader Vladimir Putin without his shirt. Male subjects whose heart rate increases, will be determined to be gay and they will be jailed immediately. Female subjects whose heart rates fail to increase will suffer the same punishment.

No word yet on the US teams reaction.

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