Christmas is Totally Winning the War on Christmas

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Our nations’ longest running war, the War on Christmas is on the crest of entering its’ 55th year. Its origins are little known, even among those on the front lines, but it actually started in 1959 when the John Birch Society released a pamphlet called “There Goes Christmas,” in which they claimed there was a new communist plot to take the Christ out of Christmas and replace the baby Jesus with United Nations decorations.

Of course now we know that it isn’t the Communists and the U.N. trying to destroy Christmas it’s those evil secular liberals possessed by Satan.

Since this war has been raging my entire lifetime I decided to take a personal journey to discover the effects the war is having on everyday citizens. When one grows up in war one becomes accustom to it. I’m almost embarrassed to say that while my fellow citizens have been fighting this battle year after year I have not felt the effects. Why, there is a Christmas tree sitting on my desk right now as I type and no one has stormed in to arrest me or rip the tree away to take to the public square for burning.

My journey started by listening to the Christian Soldiers Commander and Chief Bill O’Reilly and his Chief Propaganda Minister Sarah Palin. I was astonished to hear that the battle-lines had moved. There were two new fronts in the war, one on either coast. Not surprising, the coasts are heavily populated with the Secular liberals. They even had a map generated by the Christian soldier media outlet, Fox that showed where every battle was raging.

The new front line had moved to my own backyard, Santa Monica, California. Apparently a battle had been raging over the Nativity scenes on Pacific Palisades Park. I chose to venture there since there was no budget to go to the East Coast.

As I ventured closer to the site of the latest battle I expected to see the city ravaged by the intense fighting. I was sure I’d see hoards of out-of-work elves feasting on the carcasses of downed reindeer, the bodies of Santa’s strewn across the road, their suits made crimson by their own blood; but I saw none of that. In fact, everything looked normal; even festive. Every shop I passed had Christmas displays, Christmas lights sparkled on every house even giant decorated trees adorned the malls and government buildings. How could this be, Christmas decorations in public? Were these people mad? Surely bands of black, gay, atheist, Jewish, Muslim, Wiccan, Festivus worshippers would descend at any minute and destroy everything. I was beginning to think I’d been misinformed about the war for all these years.

When I reached Pacific Palisades Park my suspicions were confirmed. The park was filled with people caroling, strolling with Christmas packages; there was even a Santa on rollerblades but there were no Nativity scenes. I asked a passerby what had happened to them and was astonished to hear that there that there had been a battle, a year ago, about having 14 Nativity scenes on displayed on land owned by the city.

Of course! We do have a separation of church and state so that one groups religious beliefs can be forced on another. I asked this kind stranger what had happened to the scenes. Were they fire bombed? Was baby Jesus hurled into the ocean? “No” she responded. “They moved to the front lawn of the Lutheran Church right down the road.”

So this war really wasn’t a war. Christmas was everywhere. I couldn’t escape it. No matter where I went. Even if I couldn’t see displays of Christmas I would hear the nauseating sound of the “Little Drummer Boy” droning on in elevators. I couldn’t understand what Commander O’Reilly and Chief Propaganda Minister Palin were talking about.

I dug a little deeper and discovered that Commander O’Reilly was especially incensed by people saying “Happy Holidays” rather than “Merry Christmas.” He believes that saying Happy Holidays pulls the Christ out of Christmas and infringes on Christians rights.

Hmmm. Funny, I thought saying “Happy Holidays” was a way to include everyone, since many religions celebrate this time of year and for those that aren’t religious it’s a nice holiday from work. But apparently, according to O’Reilly and Palin being inclusive and pleasant to one another is unchristian. The latest strategy in the war is for good Christians to punch out anyone who says “Happy Holidays.”

So why would they keep promoting the idea of a war on Christmas when Christmas was clearly winning? Then I discovered the truth. It seems, that every time Commander O’Reilly gives a speech on his Fox Christian Network his ratings would skyrocket and when Propaganda Minister Palin released a book about the true meaning of Christmas (which gets most of the facts wrong) her bank account skyrocketed.

Now it became clear, Christmas and riling up Christian anger equals money. O’Reilly and Palin have proven over and over again to be devout in their service to the almighty dollar.

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