Christian Right Angered By Pope’s Anti-Capitalist Talk Vow To Elect Their Own Pope

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Pope Francis has been creating quite a stir among the Christian Right. Anxiety for the fundamentalist right-wing of the Republican party has only mounted since Pope Francis has continued to model a radically different papacy; one based on caring for the poor and the marginalized. He has preached the evils of the globalized economy, specifically blasting “trickle-down economics” as a theory that, “expresses a crude and naïve trust in the goodness of those wielding economic power.” He has also criticized conservative Catholics for focusing so much on abortion, same-sex marriage and contraception. And just last week, Pope Francis called ideological Christianity “an illness” that doesn’t serve Jesus Christ. Instead, it “frightens” people and pushes them away from religion.

Understandably, Republicans are outraged. There is nothing like having the most recognized religious leader on the planet condemn your entire economic and social ideology. Especially when your party claims to be based on Christian principles and you try to legislate based on those principles.

The Christian right was so angered by the Pontiff calling them out, that rather than consider the Pope’s words or look to the Bible or look into themselves, they have decided to elect their own Pope that will reside here in the U.S. and will preach the way they wish.

To that end, there was a secret meeting held at Pat Robertson’s Regent University last week. Behind closed doors several Republican heavy-hitters and fundamentalist Christian leaders sat down to the task of electing their own Pope.

A server at the meeting who wished to remain anonymous provided Free Wood Post with the details.

Among those attending and vying for the new position were: Former presidential candidate Rick Santorum, Pat Robertson (the 700 Club), Jerry Falwell (co-founder of the Moral Majority), former presidential candidate Michele Bachmann, Mike Huckabee, Paul Ryan, Ted Cruz and Rick Perry.

According to our source, the meeting began with a call to arms to bring back the pomp to the papacy. “The Vatican has always been rich and the Pope always decked out in fine linen and gold to show his supremacy over his followers.” The group then decided that they wanted a marriage of religion and government. Apparently someone in the room yelled out, “Yeah, not like one of those sick homo marriages.” The new pope would set about to convert all Americans to Christianity but only those making over $250,000 a year. The others, it was said are not worth the bother. They then moved onto a name. Various ideas were set forth including Pope West, Pope America and Ameripope. The group couldn’t agree on one and when a fist fight broke out they decided to shelve the name vote for another meeting.

Things got very heated at one point when the various candidates plead their case. Michele Bachmann was laughed off the stage for being a woman. It seemed that many of the former presidential candidates who won’t likely have a shot in 2016 wanted this new Pope position. Rick Perry was overheard saying, “I always wanted to be God. Just getting to execute people in Texas isn’t enough. This Pope thing would be right up my alley.”

In the end, although nothing was confirmed, it seemed that Rick Santorum would likely be named to the new position.

Of course, none of this means anything. A new Pope elected by a bunch of failed politicians and religious zealots wouldn’t be recognized by any church or government.

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