The Can That Keeps Being Kicked By Congress Opens Up To Diane Sawyer


It’s not an easy life being a can these days. You’re either thrown away to end up in a giant mountain of garbage or perpetually recycled with no true identity. The can that seems to be getting the most attention these days is the one which is continually kicked down the road by Congress.

In a recent interview with Diane Sawyer, the can kicked by Congress known as Rusty, opened up about his life’s journey.

Sawyer: Hi, Rusty. I’m so glad you’re able to take the time and speak with me.

Rusty: Time? Yeah, huh, time. That’s all I have these days as I wait for the next kick.

Sawyer: But Rusty, you must admit, all this attention you’ve received in the recent years must be a little flattering.

Rusty: Flattering? I started my life as a can of green beans. Full of promise to be opened, dumped out, thrown in a recycling bin with the hopes of something more glamorous in my future, like being a beer can, or maybe even a soup can. However, no, I got thrown in the road and continually kicked because the nitwits in Congress can’t get their act together and pass a budget that makes sense… and don’t get me started on the debt ceiling. How those goofs would ever think we could default on our obligations is just disgusting.

Sawyer: So you’re telling me you don’t like the spotlight and all the focus being on you?

Rusty: Does a kid who pees his pants like all the attention being on him? Heck no! I want to be properly disposed of and for the elected officials in Congress to finally come to some form of agreement.

Sawyer: What kind of agreement would you like to see?

Rusty: One where we protect the interests of the people — offering proper healthcare, education, and safety. I want to see the government stop bailing out business and subsidizing profits while the American people are unemployed, underemployed, or not paid fairly. I want a balanced budget that includes cutting subsidies to corporate America and an obese military budget while raising capital gains taxes, punishing those who ship their jobs and money overseas, and eliminating the cap on Social Security. I want solutions that make sense for the American people, not just the bottom line for business.

Sawyer: Well those do seem like reasonable solutions.

Rusty: Tell that to Cruz, Paul, Rubio, McConnell, Boehner, Cantor, and Co. They don’t want any sort of budget deal that hurts their chances at getting the biggest fundraising check for reelection.

Sawyer: Aren’t you being a tad cynical?

Rusty: You try being kicked down the road dozens of times and see how cynical you’d be. I’m done. I can’t do it anymore. I wanted a nice life being repeatedly recycled or reused, but now I’ll settle for being thrown in a giant garbage heap just to get away from these clowns.

Sawyer: Do you have hope that things will get better?

Rusty: Not while the GOP still holds the House.

Sawyer: Are you at least hopeful that the 2014 elections are around the corner?

Rusty: Sure, but I know I’ll still be kicked a good three or four more times in the mean time.

Sawyer: Well, hang in there. I really do hope the best for you, and I’ll put a good word in that you be recycled properly.

Rusty: Beer, I want to be a beer can. It’s been my lifelong dream, and right about now I could use a drink.

Sawyer: Thank you for sitting down with me tonight.

Rusty: Thank you, Diane.

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