Congress Unaminously Repeals Obamacare After Ted Cruz Threatens to Recite Entire Twilight Saga

Twilight

The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, often referred to as “Obamacare”, has been repealed by a unanimous vote of both the United States House of Representatives and Senate. Recent Republican efforts to repeal or defund Obamacare had to this point been fruitless, but a brilliant maneuver by Senator Ted Cruz from Texas set the dominos in motion which ultimately resulted in the surprising repeal of the law.

After yet another attempt at repealing the law was pushed in the House, Ted Cruz announced that if it were not passed, he would stand and recite the entire “Twilight Saga”.

“If we do not at last repeal this socialist nightmare, I will regale you with the delightful romantic tale of Bella Swan and her pasty vampiric beau, Edward Collin, which spans a heart wrenching four novels,” said Cruz.

“Oh hell no,” said Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL). “I’m out. I feel strongly about the act, but there’s no way I’m listening to this shit again. The movies were bad enough. The grandkids had my DVR down to 1% available because it was choked with all of this vampire and wolf junk. I couldn’t record any “Duck Dynasty”… I’ll do anything to get it to stop.”

“I thought this long national nightmare was over already?” asked Senator Richard Burr (R-NC). “I’ve just about gotten my daughter to agree to stop wearing all of those creepy clothes and we were supposed to paint over the vampire mural on her wall this coming weekend.”

“Sometimes the work of Congress calls for sacrifice and that time is not now. I didn’t mind “Green Eggs and Ham”, but I just can’t stomach this. This is far beyond what my oath requires. I know when I’ve been beaten,” added Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV).

“Collin? His name is Cullen! Edward Cullen. Geez, don’t you know anything?” shouted one unidentified Senator before being dragged off and beaten by the Senate Sergeant-at-Arms.

Word soon spread and the repeal was passed quickly in the House and then Senate. As part of the deal, both chambers agreed on additional language which outlawed any reading of the works of E.L. James during all future Congressional activities.

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