As we first learned in Kim Hall’s “FYI (If You’re a Teenage Girl), legions of harlots are conspiring to deflower the purity of her wholesome children. But just to prove that this is not a unilateral decision made by his mother alone, son Jacob Hall has released an additional short statement:
“Please, friends. I know a lot of you are young and still learning your way through the minefield of sin. What with your hot, tight bodies…your seductive poses and your late curfews and permissive parents. Well, I just want to say that we are not interested in any of that unholy stuff. It’s really gross and hurts my relationship with Christ. So I want you to know that I have blocked you from my Facebook account. My mom explained that boys are different and we can’t handle seeing that kind of stuff because we are visually stimulated and women aren’t. She had a poster of a guy named David Hasselhoff on her bedroom wall when she was a teen, but she did not touch herself because of his rippling pectoral muscles. She did it because of his kindness, sensitivity, and love of horses. In closing, if you want, you can friend “Acobjay Allhay” on Facebook. He’s a…minister. He really knows how to work with teenage girls. Hot teenage girls. So, whatever troubles you may be having, go ahead and send those pictures to him and he’ll give you a hand, most likely several times a day. Thank you and bless you.”
Hall’s father, James Hall, encouraged by the success of his wife’s common sense manifesto, has written his own asking that lazy kids stop cutting through his lawn.