Children across America are not reacting favorably to recent decisions by some national restaurant chains, most recently Taco Bell, to eliminate “kid’s meals” and their associated toy. A small sampling of kids were reached for comment.
“Seriously? Mom’s going to keep buying this nasty shit for me that gives me terrible diarrhea, and now I don’t even get a fucking toy! This would not happen at Dad’s house!”
“Oh, thank you very much. I’m still eating 4000 calories a day… Well on my way to becoming a human walrus…My cholesterol is through the fucking roof and now I can’t even wash down my bitterness with a toy? Fuck my life.”
“God dammit. KFC already got rid of my toy, and now Taco Bell? Now I get a “Weird But True” fact card from National Geographic. You know what’s weird? Eating your rancid chicken parts and not getting a fucking toy!”
“This is violating the sacred trust that has existed for years. We eat the entrails of American agribusiness, at terrible risk to our ongoing health and well-being, and we get a toy in exchange. What part of that do you not understand, assholes?”
“No plastic, no peace!”
Some parents were also not so welcoming of the news.
Frustrated mother Dawn Sanderson, from Lafayette, Louisiana, who would speak only under condition of anonymity, offered “This is not good. This was my only available leash on Junior’s behavior. ‘If you don’t stop that right now I’m going to take you to that salad place!’ Now how am I going to survive that little bastard?”
Another anonymous mom, Pam Simpson, from Tallahassee, Florida, concurred. “Now I will have to take him to McDonald’s where they have unhealthy stuff as opposed to the healthy and wholesome choices offered at Taco Bell.”
The decision was cheered by the Center for Science in the Public Interest, which called on competitors such as McDonald’s and Wendy’s to follow suit. McDonald’s and Wendy’s replied in a joint, but brief, official statement. “We have done some extensive market research to test the feasibility of such a move and…well…are you guys nuts?”