Poll Results Show Condemning Non-believers to Hell Is Poor Conversion Mechanism

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A new poll released by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life shows that condemning non-believers to burn in hell for eternity for not believing in God is not an effective means to convert them.

The study interviewed over 10000 participants by phone concerning multiple theological issues and shockingly found that of 2342 professed non-believers who were told they would suffer the burning fires of hell for their disbelief, not a single one converted to theism.

Five thousand six hundred and sixty-six respondents admitted to threatening non-believers with hell if they did not change their mind.

Some recorded comments:

“I don’t know why these people can’t understand. I’m witnessing for Christ, who is an awesome and loving God. He created us and created the world for us. He even made pig flesh taste like bacon. Can’t they see that he will condemn them to everlasting pain and suffering in the jaws of Satan’s demonic serpents if they don’t love him back?”

“It seems pretty clear-cut to me that you have to worship the person who made you and loves you and if you don’t he’ll destroy your soul forever. It’s simple. That’s what love is all about. What’s so hard about this?”

“Hey, if you don’t get burned for this, then that would have to mean that I am going to these fucking church services for nothing…and that can’t be right, right? Hell just has to be terrible to be much worse than that torture.”

Of those failing to convert after having hell explained to them, the survey made special note of these comments:

“I don’t know. He doesn’t sound very loving to me. He can’t just leave me alone? My parents are religious…Hell, I’d even go as far as saying that they’re kind of insane. But my sister’s a gay meth-addicted porn star and she loves Justin Bieber. And they still wish her well. Sure they don’t talk about her a whole lot in their church circles, but they still call her every weekend to see how she’s doing. God sounds like a real asshole.”

“I don’t really like being threatened. By my boyfriend. The cops. My boss. Nobody. I just don’t respond well to that kind of thing. Walmart isn’t the only place where they have cash registers.”

“Look, am I the only one who actually read the bible?”

According to the study, the most effective means for cultivating belief is repeated churchgoing, denying children the use of “the devil’s box” or the “information Satanic superhighway”, restricting travel only to one’s hometown, and withholding science education.

Some pastors have asked that their congregation try a new tactic, and instead of threatening non-believers with hell, extol the great benefits of believing in God instead of the punishments. At press time, Free Wood Post has been unable to properly determine what those might actually be.

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