As the NSA struggles with scandals and controversy on multiple fronts, a new crisis has emerged on the organization’s radar: a bizarre rash of apparent suicides among the NSA staff tasked with analysis of the exhaustive phone and email records culled from their decade of surveillance of American citizens.
Even more alarming are the recent reports surfacing from multiple anonymous sources within the NSA that the suicides stem from what one director termed “the soulless, stultifying reality of modern middle-class American life.”
“It’s incredibly ironic, in a way,” continued the director, on condition of anonymity. “People are worried about the NSA peeking into their private lives, but you know what, America? We did peek into your private lives, and you do not want to know what we found.”
Communications records obtained by the Free Wood Post detailing conversations between NSA records analysts paint a dismaying picture. “I can’t take any more of this. I got a guy, #842-97827-G, he’s divorcing his wife because of something that happened on ‘WWE Raw,'” confides one such transcript, evidently intended as a cryptic and horribly depressing suicide note. “This other guy, #840-99278-D, writes himself this disgusting Oompa-Loompa fanfic – he lives with his sister who’s blown their entire savings on boxes of Readers’ Digests she’s getting off eBay…We are truly dead as a nation. Farewell world, as I go now to a better place; as a result of viewing these records I am now one-hundred-percent sure that wherever I go, it will be better than here.”
Suicide methods have varied, according to insiders at Bethesda Memorial Hospital, but most of the departed have been found clutching a phone or email record in one limp hand, evidently overwhelmed by the sheer crushing force of America’s mediocrity, utter lack of ambition, and cultural bankruptcy. Some have resorted to carefully-placed stabs with letter openers, with others choosing to bludgeon themselves with a tape dispenser or UPS power supply, Most notably, one senior staffer choked himself to death by blocking his own trachea with Log Report 473283-BA3748-99a, notable for a 37-minute-long text exchange between 23-year-old Sioux Falls, SD resident Carrie Largess and her 20-year kid sister Tessa on various aspects of the mobile game Candy Crush Saga, the size of Justin Bieber’s tool, and whether or not “The Walking Dead” could actually happen, like, in real life, like what if it did.
The NSA has moved quickly and decisively to address the spiralling morale of their analysis team, installing overhead speakers into each cubicle that pipe a constant stream of uplifting contemporary pop classics from the 80s and 90s. Strangely, this move has yet to impact the collective mood at NSA headquarters. “It’s worse, far worse,” confessed one senior analyst. “I didn’t think it would be possible to worsen the experience of sifting through countless pages of foreclosure notices, racist diatribes, and unfiltered idiocy straight from America’s slack-jawed and listless piehole, but I didn’t realize how wrong I was until I started doing it while listening to Chicago’s ‘You’re the Inspiration’.”
Regardless, a few plucky analysts stubbornly cling to hope that things will improve. “The way I see it, we’ve only combed through maybe two or three percent of this stuff,” pointed out one department manager with obviously counterfeit optimism as the first notes of Phil Collins’ 1985 smash hit “Sussudio” issued from the ceiling. “We probably just pulled the worst three hundred and eight-seven million records out of the gate. It’s not like things can get any worse, right?”