As the political battle over approval of the controversial Keystone XL oil pipeline continues to intensify, Exxon Mobil Corporation and British Petroleum have responded to concerns over the pipeline’s environmental safety risks by launching a bold new line of anti-oil spill cleaning products for residents in nearby communities.
“Look, accidents happen,” observed Pat Gallagher, media spokesman for MopUp, the oil companies’ jointly operated retail manufacturer of industrial-strength cleaning products and decontaminants. “Whether by “accident” we mean something as trivial as a glass of milk knocked over by a careless child, or a similarly inconsequential break in the Keystone XL pipeline smack in the middle of America’s agricultural belt, is the solution to just avoid drinking milk at all? Of course not. Especially when MopUp offers easy-to-use and cost-effective cleaning solutions available now at fine retailers everywhere.”
The MopUp product line is anchored by “Spill Killa”, a liquid solvent solution that, per MopUp’s press release, turns crude oil into what MopUp characterizes as “a harmless plant fertilizer.”
While MopUp refuses to release the full list of Spill Killa’s ingredients, citing privacy concerns raised in the wake of a bizarre conspiracy propagated by Marxist scientists and researchers, they did disclose that the solution is composed primarily of water and Dawn liquid detergent, along with a number of proprietary substances developed in MopUp’s Bangladesh production facilities.
However, authorities note numerous similarities to MopUp’s last product offering, “Gull Grease,” released to mixed reviews in the wake of Alaska’s catastrophic Exxon Valdez spill of 1989. Environmental groups have been critical of Gull Grease, pointing out that its effectiveness in removing oil residue from Alaskan waterfowl was offset by its troubling tendency to completely dissolve feathers, skin, and tissue from the afflicted birds.
“Gull Grease was a stepping stone,” said Gallagher, when questioned Monday about Spill Killa’s chemical makeup. “Spill Killa completely sidesteps these trivial horror stories regarding the so-called ‘disintegration of living flesh.’ Simply pour the contents into that river of oil cascading through your cabbage patch, step back, and trust Exxon Mobil to take care of everything responsibly and ethically.”
Gallagher dismissed as “outlandish forgeries” the troubling reports surfacing from Greenpeace, who allegedly tested Spill Killa on a small patch of crude oil in a waste disposal facility in Helsinki, Finland. Video footage shows the chemical instantly neutralizing all trace of the oil, while simultaneously burning a smoldering, thirty-four-foot-deep crevasse in the ground. “These outrageous fabrications are as utterly baseless as these alleged EPA studies demonstrating a link between inhalation of Spill Killa fumes and spontaneous olfactory combustion.”
Republicans representatives in Oklahoma and Nebraska enthusiastically endorsed MopUp’s announcement, recommending immediate deployment of Spill Killa to communities considered to be at high risk due to their proximity to the proposed 2600-mile pipeline. “I don’t know about you, but once I just accepted that this thing would break sooner or later, and started focusing on a solution to just scoot away that oil spill, I’m sleeping a lot better at night,” said Sen. James Inhofe (R, Oklahoma) from his home thirteen hundred miles away in Arlington, VA. “Americans need to stop with the Chicken Little act and put their faith in the oil industry. Haven’t these stewards of Mother Nature earned our trust?”