“I Only Rescue Hotties!” Disney Princes in for Controversial Makeover

Disney Store

Executives from Disney and Abercrombie and Fitch were on hand yesterday to reveal a new line called “The Heartthrob Disney Prince”. Recently, more than 230,000 people signed a petition asking Disney to stop the overtly sexual changes to the character Merida from the movie Brave. Complete with a plunging neckline, heaving breasts and a waist so small it is a wonder she doesn’t tip over, Disney’s new Merida seems to have ditched her bow and her independent personality for makeup and a boob job. After listening to the concerns of parents, Disney responded quickly by saying that it would make every effort to completely ignore parents’ concerns. Stunned by the backlash, Disney executives are hoping this new and soon to be controversial line of Heartthrob Disney Princes will show that they are an equal opportunity company that makes sex objects of both prince and princesses alike.

The new Disney heartthrob line is set to be released early next month and will be available through The Disney Store as well as through a clothing line carried exclusively by Abercrombie & Fitch. Yesterday, a spokesperson for the beleaguered apparel store stated, “We have received a lot of criticism because of honest comments made by our beloved CEO Mike Jeffries. This collaboration with Disney will hopefully show everyone that we are not alone in believing that beauty if beautiful and ugly should remain at home. We at Abercrombie & Fitch are proud to be a pro-pretty-family corporation.”

The initial release of the Heartthrob line will consist of five princes, Eric from The Little Mermaid, Aladdin from Aladdin, Flynn from Tangled, Adam from Beauty and the Best and Shang from Mulan. The most notable changes in appearance are their “completely ripped” physiques and certain bulge-like enhancements below the waist. Both the merchandise and clothing line will also contain phrases that some may describe as mildly suggestive:

Aladdin: “C’mon, rub it and see what happens next!”
Chang: “No, it’s not an ancestral dragon, I’m just happy to see you!”
Flynn: “I climbed your tower, now it’s your turn to climb on mine!”
Adam: “Still a Beast in the bedroom!”
Eric: “Hey Ariel! Check out my Under the Sea…Shell!” (Here the Prince is holding a shell over his groin)

In addition, there are some other phrases which appear on multiple products:

“The Original Disney Boy Toy (batteries not included)”
“Who Needs Brains when you have Abs like these.”
“I Only Rescue Hotties!”
“Sexy is the new Smart”

Many people are threatening to boycott Disney and Abercrombie & Fitch unless both of the new product lines are pulled. However, after the initial Merida controversy and subsequently ignoring both the negative press and the petition, Disney seems ready to move away from its family-friendly reputation and embrace the sexy side of animation.

 

Check out more from Orbson Rice:

Obama Appoints Profane Sorority Girl Ambassador to North Korea

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Bush Presidential Library Steals Children’s Books from Local Schools

Orbson Rice is the author of the book “Exposing My Orbs: The Rise of a Liberal Satirist” and the “Creator” of the blog “The Orbson Oracle” which is thoroughly offensive, often thoughtful and occasionally funny. Stroke your mouse and visit the Oracle to read more or befriend him on Facebook.

 

 

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