GOP Slams Jolie for Murdering Innocent Breasts

"Angelina" "Jolie" "double" "mastectomy" "breast" "cancer" "GOP" "murder"

This week members of the Republican Party released a statement condemning actress Angelina Jolie’s double-mastectomy, calling the procedure “an outrage” and declaring that it had “prematurely ended the lives of two beautiful, perfect breasts—and for totally selfish reasons.”

Although Jolie’s difficult choice to undergo surgery in the hope of reducing her chances of developing breast cancer later in life was widely praised, a majority of conservative lawmakers in the US were angered by what they called “an unbelievably reckless and inconsiderate act of breasticide.”

“This right here is the perfect example of why we are against allowing women to make medical decisions about their own bodies,” said Senator Richard Burr of North Carolina.  “Because often, they make decisions that we ourselves wouldn’t have made for them, and which we strongly disagree with.”  Shaking his head, he added, “If the GOP had had its way, and draconian laws limiting women’s reproductive rights and access to comprehensive health care had been passed, those breasts would still be alive today—and improving the lives of millions of Americans as a result.”

A moment of silence was held on Capitol Hill for Jolie’s late breasts, with several Senators breaking down over their loss.

“These were peaceful, God-fearing breasts who had the right to live out their lives on display in designer gowns and during tasteful, plot-necessary nude scenes in films I would never publicly admit to enjoying,” said Republican Leader Mitch McConnell.  “Why should we continue to allow women to choose to undergo so drastic a procedure simply for health reasons?”

“I understand wanting to maximize the chances of ensuring that you will be there to watch your children grow up,” he said.  “But at what price?  For women, is life without natural breasts really worth living?”

“Not only that,” he added, “but if my understanding of breast science is correct, women who carry the gene that causes breast cancer don’t actually have anything to fear from the disease, since the female breast naturally has ways of shutting that whole thing down.”

“We hope that this utterly preventable tragedy will send a message to women everywhere,” said House Speaker John Boehner.  “The next time an attractive, high-profile female wants to surgically remove her breasts of her own volition to reduce her cancer risk, we’d like her to keep in mind that they aren’t really her breasts—they belong to the American people.”

“RIP, Angelina Jolie’s breasts,” he added, between sobs.  “We will never forget.”

Molly Schoemann is a humorist from NYC.  You can read more of her work at or follow her on Twitter @iheardtell.

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