At Sunday’s press luncheon, President Obama introduced Julia Jacobs as the new U.S. Ambassador to North Korea. Julia, the University of Maryland student whose profanity-laced email to her sorority sisters went viral last month, may seem like an unusual choice. According to President Obama, “We needed to implement a new strategy in dealing with North Korea. While I am sure many will view this move as radical, I believe Julia’s creative use of the American dialect can help us send the right message to Kim Jong-un.” Julia spent most of the luncheon texting, giving only occasional glances of disgust at the surrounding media and politicians. After the meal she took questions from the press:
Reporter– “Miss Jacobs, were you surprised that President Obama reached out to you to deal with such a sensitive issue as North Korea?”
Julia– “Surprised? Why the fuck would I be surprised. Look, you may not like his fucking choice, but frankly I don’t give a flying fuck. My President asked for my help and I answered the fucking call. If Congress were half as fucking responsible as I am, serious shit would be getting done. Was I surprised? The only one who is going to be surprised is Kim Jong-un when I put my 5-inch stiletto through that inchworm he calls a cock. Next fucking question.”
Reporter– “What will be your first act as Ambassador to North Korea and how will you handle the escalating tensions between our two countries?”
Julia– “Well, had you ‘journalists’ actually done your fucking jobs you would have known that I already sent a fucking communication to Kim Jong-un this morning. Seriously, what does CNN stand for anyways, Cunt Numbing Neanderthals? Do me a favor, go check your emails and open the one that says “Letter to Kim Jong-un from Ambassador to North Korea”. Then, I want you to go back to your colleges, find your journalism professors and cunt punt them for not teaching you how to do your God damn jobs. Next fucking question.”
Reporter– “Could you…uhm… give us some indication as to what was in that correspondence?”
Julia– “Thank you for asking such an intelligent fucking question. I would absolutely love to do your fucking job for you. Hey, Fux News Up, get out your fucking dictionaries because I may use some big fucking words:
Dear Kim Jong-un, your fucking day just got really bad. The United States of Fucking America does not fucking capitulate to the demands of the Korean Pillsbury Dough Boy. I don’t give a fuck that you dislike being told how to govern your shithole country. I don’t give a flying fuck that you have serious daddy issues and a brother who masturbates to pictures of the Little Mermaid. When you fuck with America, you have fucked with the wrong fucking country.
Now as I see it you have two options. First, you close every fucking nuclear facility in your country and stop testing those mother-fucking missiles. Or you can take option number two in which the President sends a special lubed-up mini-nuke to your capitol Pee-on-yo-wang. Now this missile is going to fly right past all of those poor innocent people that you fucking starve and imprison and instead it’s going to domicile itself directly into your enormous rectum. Think of yourself as a fucking Korean piñata and we’ve brought the biggest fucking bat on the planet. The choice is yours and frankly, I don’t give a furry ferret’s ass what you do because I get paid regardless. So go ahead Kim Jong-Teletubby, fuck with us again. I dare you.
With Love, Julia Jacobs.”
While there has been no official word out of North Korea, satellite surveillance shows massive troop withdrawal since the email was sent. In addition, Kim-Jong-un appears to have shuttered all nuclear facilities and has gone into hiding. We’ll have to wait to determine the long-term success of Julia’s email; however it appears to have been tremendously successful. In the meantime, supporters are suggesting that Julia should consider running for Congress in 2014. For her response we go to Julia’s Twitter page where she states, “Join Congress? Fuck that. I’d own Congress cuz bitch I get things done!” Presumably, that means she is interested in the job.
Author’s Note: The fucking name of the fucking sorority girl who wrote the fucking email has been changed for this fucking piece.
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Orbson Rice is the author of the book “Exposing My Orbs: The Rise of a Liberal Satirist” and the “Creator” of the blog “The Orbson Oracle” which is thoroughly offensive, often thoughtful and occasionally funny. Stroke your mouse and visit the Oracle to read more or befriend him on Facebook.