Bush Tears Up at Presidential Library Dedication as He Fondly Recalls Days of Waterboarding

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“Oh, happy days,” said George W. Bush as he began his speech Thursday afternoon at the dedication ceremony for the new Texas library constructed in his name. Bush’s speech concluded the ceremony but started a controversy since he spoke highly of the times he illegally tortured prisoners in Guantanamo Bay.

“I’m very thankful that I got to be a president of these great United States. Me and Cheney sure had some good times, especially in Guantanamo. Yeah, not many people know this, but me and Dick did it ourselves, the waterboarding. We separated the prisoners into two categories: Probably Terrorists and Maybe Terrorists. But we didn’t torture any Maybe’s, just Probably’s. So I don’t know why people made such a big hoo-ha about it. We were just defending ‘Merica!”

Bush paused to wipe a tear away at that point, and a member of the crowd shouted, “It’s illegal,” but Bush didn’t hesitate to respond.

“What’s that? It’s illegal? What, the waterboarding? Well, I asked my lawyer if it was illegal, and he said that it was. But he also said that fixing an election was illegal, and since I got away with that, I figured, ‘What the hell?’ So we laid those fuckers down and made ‘em howl! Boy, do I miss the sound of those howls. They were some of my favorite screams of my presidency; second only to the wails of Iraqi children as we mowed down their homes to drill for oil.”

Bush’s words have caused many Americans to call for an investigation of the Bush administration. President Obama opposed an investigation in the past, so it is currently unclear what action, if any, he will take.

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