Failed Copycat Arrested For Sending Rice In Envelopes to White House

"ricin" "FBI" "Obama" "envelope"

An Arizona man was briefly held and then released by the FBI this past week after being identified as the person who sent envelopes full of rice to the White House. The rice was accompanied by a note saying “Eat this!”

Albert Henderson, 25, of Tucson, allegedly sent the envelopes to express his displeasure with President Obama. “I don’t have a TV, so I listen to the radio a lot. I kept hearing about all of the socialist stuff that the President’s been doing. And then I heard he’s been giving welfare to terrorists, so that was the last straw. I guess I got the idea from the radio. I heard that somebody had been sending some rice in envelopes to the President. I didn’t understand why rice would bother anyone… maybe there’s too much fiber in it and it gives you wicked diarrhea? Everybody was so upset about it and the guy got on the news and stuff, so I thought I’d give it a try, too. Anyway, that guy got caught, but I figure I’m smarter than most of my friends, so I didn’t think they’d be able to catch me, ” said Henderson.

The FBI was alerted to Henderson by the return address labels that were affixed to the envelopes. “There is was right there in the top left corner. Right there with a fuzzy cat picture. ‘Albert Henderson. [redacted] Tuscon, Arizona 85705’,” said Special Agent Gary Winthrop.

“Yeah,” said Henderson, “that’s my cat ‘Teddy’. He’s cute, isn’t he? I guess I was sending some bills out at the same time and accidentally put the stickers on all of them. My bad.”

The FBI ultimately released Henderson because they could not find any federal statute that prohibited sending rice in the mail. They also determined that “Eat this!” could not be considered a threat when coupled with something as wholesome as whole grain rice. “Even the most incompetent court-appointed attorney could make the case that he was simply advising the President to eat a healthy diet,” added Winthrop.

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