SAN BERNARDINO, CA — With the overturn of Proposition 8 in California Penelope Gottledam is overjoyed with the “slippery slope” that may one day allow her to marry her beloved Guinea Pig named Cheesecake.
Gottledam purchased Cheesecake from a local PetSmart roughly three months ago and has since fallen head over heels. When Free Wood Post phoned her for comment she said, “I love that California will soon allow gay people to get married. It’s so exciting! Pretty soon we’ll be able to marry our lovable pets as well. Cheesecake only has eyes for me and it will be a tremendous relationship and commitment.”
Apparently Gottledam doesn’t realize that marrying animals would still be illegal even if gay marriage were to become legal, most obviously because… well… it’s stupid, and an animal is not a consenting human adult such as an LGBT individual actually is.
The Guinea Pig lover is not deterred however, Gottledam still holds hope that one day she will be allowed to marry her treasured Cheesecake. She already picked out their dresses (yes, it will be a same-sex animal/human wedding according to Gottledam) and is preparing the guest list to include all of Cheesecake’s furry friends from the PetSmart bin that she was purchased from.