An array of reports surfaced Monday evening from multiple media outlets that the National Science Foundation, working at the request of the United Nations, have exhausted all ideas for repairing Earth’s hopelessly broken social and economic structures and have turned their attention to starting the whole damn thing from scratch.
The project, referred to internally as “Operation Hard Reset,” evidently involves construction of a colossal power button somewhere in the desert southwest of Carson City, Nevada, according to government sources speaking on condition of anonymity. Surrounded by a fenced perimeter, the project began moving forward in June 2011, after both the Fukushima nuclear disaster and the premiere episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians’ fifth season made it clear that drastic measures were warranted.
Sources have confirmed the existence of at least two black holes within the structure, caged within complex entropic “shields” generated from a compound of dark matter, ectoplasmic residue, and mitochlorians. The silo itself measures one hundred eighty feet in diameter; the exterior is encased with a thick mold of comfortingly familiar black plastic supplied by Logitech.
Opinions within the “Hard Reset” scientific enclave vary wildly as to the effect a worldwide reboot might have on the planet’s population and existing civilizations. However, most researchers tentatively agree that a cold reboot would reallocate all funds and currencies worldwide equally among all humans worldwide, leaving each of us with an approximate net worth of $.08.
In addition, sources predict that all property, estate, and personal belongings would immediately become free for ownership, a prospect that has many team members excited. “I can’t wait to trade up from my Kia,” confided one senior team member.
While senior government officials continue to express reservations about resorting to such measures, the “Hard Reset” science team has presented multiple exhibits demonstrating the requirement for a reboot. “We’re facing what in can safely be referred to as a socioeconomic ‘Blue Screen of Death,’” insists one senior geophysicist. “It’s the exact same symptoms. Look where we are: everything is screwed, we have this complicated gobbledygook explanation for what went wrong, we know we did something wrong but don’t feel like it’s our fault, we lost all our work…just cycle it, man. And hold it down for three seconds to be sure.”
A small but vocal minority within “Hard Reset” stands adamantly opposed to the project altogether, claiming that a reboot could prove far more hazardous than any alternative. “We’re moving way too quickly on this,” remarked an unnamed systems administrator. “We don’t know anything about the boot cycle, we don’t have anything backed up. This thing could take us back to the time of the dinosaurs…still, I’d rather live a life of terrified, nomadic survival evading velociraptors and desperately trying to invent fire, rather than endure another decade or two of this shit.”