Last yesterday, the North Carolina General Assembly took the unprecedented step of naming a “State Lord and Savior.” Jesus Christ was selected as the winning choice and no other candidates were in the running. The state bird remains the cardinal, the state language remains English, and the state sport remains NASCAR. No other changes were made.
State Representative Shirley Nutz:
“One of a state legislature’s most important functions is picking things that make a state great. Like the cardinal, English, and NASCAR. We thought we’d be remiss in not codifying the fact that North Carolina thinks Jesus Christ is the best Lord and Savior out there. There weren’t even any others that received one vote, so that tells you how good of a savior he is!”
State Senator Artie Ensign:
“There are very few things that a state has total control of. We don’t want Barack Hussein Obama telling us what to do, and he can’t control what this state picks for its state things. Each state can do as they please. It’s written in the Constitution that way. I’m sure California named Jerry Garcia the state hippie or something. We want to show Jesus how much we appreciate him.”
Concerns about separation of church and state were rebuffed by Ensign:
“Look, I think it’s fair because no other religion has a Lord and Savior, so it has to be Jesus. I don’t think that’s stepping on anyone’s toes. This legislative body is free at any time to make a state fat guy with his legs crossed or state guy with 72 virgins. But those things just haven’t come up for a vote yet.”
Representative Conway Gettawi was the lone dissenter and made a statement noting, “I’m moving to Mississippi where they aren’t so insane.”