Buoyed by the success of former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin’s successful showing at the 2013 Conservative Political Action Convention earlier this month, her team has announced the launch of Palin’s own line of soft drinks and refreshments, to the enthusiastic relief of millions of desperate obese Americans nationwide.
“The time has come to take action against the nefarious designs of anti-Americans in our halls of government, and their transparent and futile attempts to arrest our nation’s slide into further grotesque decadence,” Palin proclaimed in a statement released by her publicity chairman Tuesday. “Americans have not only the right, but the God-given responsibility to pursue their dreams, whether those dreams be of hard work rewarded with prosperity and good fortune, or more realistically, of masking their failures in an avalanche of high-fructose corn syrup.”
Palin’s product line, humorously dubbed “Mongo Intake,” is anchored by her flagship 768-oz soft drink, affectionately named “The Grizzly Gulp” (pictured above.)
“The ‘Grizzly Gulp’ embodies the essential components of the American dream: rampant excess, heedless disregard for present concerns, and flamboyant excess,” proclaimed Palin spokesman Douglas Frome before reporters Wednesday. “In truth, traditional refreshments such as the extra-large Pepsi and the flaccid ‘Extra Value Meal’ pale by simple comparison.”
Critics were quick to denounce Palin’s bold initiative. “Well…whatever,” sighed National Health Services spokesman Paul Krieger before reporters Friday. “We’d like to think that people would be smarter than to inject approximately 1408% of the recommended daily intake of sugar into their bloodstream, but I guess people want what they want. Land of the free…”
Palin’s ambitious 2013 initiative will reportedly include food and snacks as well as beverages. Team officials lauded the scheduled Q2 launch of the “Second Amendment SnackShot,” described in press materials as a sugar-coated, double-butter-fried waffle cunningly molded into the shape of an expanded-capacity AR-15 magazine. Team officials revealed that Palin also plans to focus on making inroads into the market for public school lunches, offering an extensive line of vegetable-shaped gumdrops.