Lord and Savior Jesus Christ has been getting suspicious about a huge influx of wedding invitations from people he doesn’t know. He started getting them after word got out about the last wedding he attended, where the hosts ran short on drinks and he was forced to turn water into wine.
At first, he went ahead and attended a few of the weddings. “I figured if I was going to be everyone’s Lord and Savior, the least I could do was show up to a wedding or two,” said Jesus. “But each time I kind of got shuffled over and introduced to the bartender. And then after a bit of small talk, someone would casually mentioned that there wasn’t anything to drink and how that was a real shame and probably bad luck for the bride and groom. ‘It’s too bad that they will be such easy targets for Satan’, they’d say. It’s been really uncomfortable. I felt bad, so I’ve made some wine coolers and some mojitos, but asked them not to tell anyone. But now I’ve got 3 donkeys of mail coming every day. And I don’t know these fucking people from Adam. Why can’t someone just love me for me? “