Newer fragments of just recently translated Biblical documents suggest that the commonly known miracle of Jesus turning water into wine was not, in fact, his first recorded miracle. The newer text begins when Jesus was alerted to the fact that there was nothing but water to drink at the wedding in Cana at which he was attending.
“What thy fuck? No open bar?! We’ve only been here about 30 minutes and there’s already nothing to drink? Who is running this piece of shit wedding? Somebody go on a beer run!”
When told that local blue laws disallowed alcohol purchases on Sundays, Jesus wept. He held his head in his hands and asked, “Why have thou forsaken me?” But after remaining silent for several minutes he lifted his head and said, “I’ve got it!”
He ordered the servants to take the jugs of water to the head waiter and said, “Serve these thirsty people. In the jugs you shall find what I call Budweiser, brewed with only the finest barley malt.”
The people rejoiced, held their glasses and toasted, “To Jesus!” as they simultaneously took deep gulps, then almost instantly spit out their ‘miracle drink’, and returned with shouts of “WHAT IS THIS AWFUL SHIT?”, “CHANGE IT BACK!”, and “CRUCIFY HIM!”.
“Easy, I’ll change it back! Don’t get crazy now. How about wine, then?”
The final report on the scripture’s authenticity is due to be completed next month.