In response to recent reports of psychological damage inflicted on innocent children (and others) by thoughtless people using cruel, derogatory, degrading or confusing words, South Carolina Congressman Lindsey Graham introduced a bill that intends to stop this hurtful practice by any means necessary.
It calls for the banishment of any words that are scary, mean, unkind, demeaning, racist, sexist, difficult to understand or that may otherwise cause someone harm. He labels these as “assault words”, claiming that they have no other purpose butt hurting people’s feelings. Having been bullied and teased much of his life – often confused as being a lesbian – Lindsey knows firsthand just how devastating mean words can be.
In addition to banning “assault words”, his bill prohibits the creation of new words, or the combining of approved words in a way that would express cruel new meanings. For example, nugget guzzler, ignotard, crust cruncher, spunk munchkin, douche meister, scrote ninja, nozzlebucket, poop baron, knob gobbler, sperm guzzler, lesbonita crisp or biscuitsack nibbler.
It also does not allow for the use of any words that contain more than 4 syllables or require the use of a dictionary.
Along those lines, books (electronic or traditional) with more than 1000 pages are not allowed, except by use of government personnel.
Dictionaries, thesauruses and most encyclopedias would be restricted from general public use. He feels that limiting access to education would help reduce word assault crimes.
There will be a background check and mandatory 7 day waiting period for anyone wishing to take advanced English classes, purchase or check-out a restricted book from a library.
For the protection of impressionable children, Book-Free Zones will be established at schools.
Anyone caught carrying a book within a Book-Free Zone may immediately be arrested without trial and sent to a FEMA reeducation camp.
Books must be transported in the closed/off position in a locked, protective case at all times. They must be made available for inspection. A concealed book carry license may be available for certain citizens that require them professionally (such as teachers or clergy) Any citizen requesting book privileges must pass a series of background checks and mental evaluations. Book shows and book clubs would have tighter regulations to prohibit sales or exposure to ignorant people.
Internet controls would be put in place to automatically replace restricted words with those that meet government approval. For example, when someone on Youtube types a comment such as, “Ur video was really gay, your retarted”, it would be replaced with “That video was really happy, you’re slow but wonderful”.
To preserve the sanctity of the Constitution, a Free-Speech Zone will be established. In this zone one can freely express themselves without proposed limits. The nationwide zone is proposed to be located in the basement of the Library of Congress and will be accessible to the public between the hours of 2 and 3 A.M. (Excluding weekdays and holidays.)
It is interesting to note that politicians are exempt from these laws.
Representative Graham has been called a hypocrite by many. He is known to carry books and use large words that could be considered offensive to some. He has even studied advanced English in college – although his grades do not reflect a high level of comprehension. Some members of his support staff have studied advanced English and often supply him with large, multi-syllabic words for speeches and interviews.
Some accuse the government of wanting to unfairly control the people and leave them senseless while they stockpile informational resources for themselves. It has been reported by Alex Jones that DHS recently ordered 5 million dictionaries and speculation about their use has conspiracy theorist imaginations running wild. Many cite how Hitler confiscated and burned books in Nazi Germany just before he threw people into concentration camps. They warn that it could happen here as well.
The NWA, (National Word Association) chairman vowed to fight this new legislation as an infringement on the 1st amendment. He exclaimed that once they have passed this law they will come after our dirty jokes, Penthouse letters and heavy metal song lyrics.
Fox News spokesperson Gretchen Carlson said on her show today that this is a step in the right direction. No one needs to be using any cruel or confusing words. I mean, why would you use a 5 syllable word when you could say the same thing with 2? It just makes people feel stupid and inferior and that really hurts.
N.Y. Mayor Bloomberg – long-time control advocate – was quick to throw his full support into the ring. He feels that he and other politicians know what is best for the people. Most folks are not intelligent enough to make their own decisions. This is where government needs to step in and protect them from themselves.
Religious groups fear they will have to rewrite the bible to comply. Although many people welcome the thought of a bible that is easier to read and understand. Many purists fear that this signals the end of times and will trigger the apocalypse.
Off-record, some White House staff claim that this bill was just a joke, lambasting the absurdity of recent gun control legislation. Representative Graham showed no signs that this bill was anything but serious.
The bill’s controversial nature has created a wide division among the Democratic and Republican parties. It’s not certain that it has enough support to pass without undergoing several changes to satisfy the powerful NWA and book lobbyists. Many agree that something must be done about word control, but they all disagree about what steps need to be taken in order to preserve the Constitution while protecting the people.