Monsanto Releases New Genetically Modified, “Roundup-Ready” Super Humans

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After facing years of scrutiny from environmental advocates for killing off scores of humans who became ill after eating their pesticide laden produce, Monsanto has engineered a new strain of humans that are capable of consuming their genetically modified crops without becoming ill or dying.

Opponents claim that it took years for medical and scientific professionals to prove that cancer and neurological damage was indeed being caused by their genetically modified crops. Other issues such as sterility among males was linked to a patented, genetically modified strain of corn that they intentionally created. Some believe that Monsanto engineered this corn to sterilize men in advance of the release of this new human seed to allow Monsanto to corner the market and capitalize on the sales of human seed. Human seed, (referred to as sperm) was something that people had become accustomed to creating free based on their genetic material that was handed down from generation to generation.

They are currently seeking the patent to mass reproduce this new strain. Once the rights have been secured new parents would have to order their child seeds from Monsanto and pay a royalty fee for the birth of any subsequent crops of children that are bore from these seeds or face litigation.

FDA approval has already been secured. Current FDA director and former Monsanto executive Michael Taylor announced that he just accepted test results provided by their team of scientists. The initial prototypes were problematic, they faced issues with these early models having multiple heads, organs or limbs, misproportioned dual genitalia, glowing neon skin tones (similar to fireflies), or some models that were not capable of defecating that exploded after several weeks.

Now in addition to a new “Roundup-Ready” super human the company boasts that you can choose the type of children that you would like to grow instead of being stuck with whatever genetic concoction you end up with from the standard mix of genetic material one would have from a typical husband and wife.  For example, you can choose from the standard version of existent human types or if you would prefer a blonde haired, blue-eyed child with black skin, high IQ, creative talent, athletic ability and super human strength you can place a custom order from their catalog. You could also create a baby that resembles your favorite celebrity, or childhood pet.They are working of new types as well that would either have gills or wings but these will not be available for a few more years until testing has been completed.

They also promise that by 2035 they will have perfected a strain of children that can be raised from homosexual parents. The male parent will need a modified attachment womb and donor egg to complete the inception and growth process, but initial testing has shown promise. With the recent discovery that taking antipsychotics such as Wellbutrin SR causes males to grow larger breasts and lactate. One realizes that it is now possible for men to facilitate breast-feeding, a crucial element of child rearing once reserved only for women.

Some opponents fear that these genetic modifications are capable of wreaking havoc on humanity as well as the environment and that there is no way to foresee new problems that can arise. Monsanto however was quick to dispel any fears by claiming that their scientists could simply alter any problematic genetic structure to redesign these super humans and compensate for any potential new problems.

 

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