In a wake-up call to passionate second-amendment defenders everywhere, the US Government today released a statement explaining that in the event that the government really wants to come in and seize everything that matters to you, your silly homegrown little collection of firearms won’t help you.
“You think your handguns, shotguns– even semi-automatic assault weapons are keeping you and your loved ones safe from the US Government?” the statement began. “Don’t make us laugh. That shit will only make us angry as we quietly and with devastating efficiency dismantle your entire life and steal or destroy everything you have worked so hard for, if or whenever we feel like it, leaving you to rot in a secret prison until not even the NRA remembers you ever existed.”
The statement appears have been issued in answer to the increasingly popular argument of gun-owners that they need to stockpile weapons in order to protect themselves from an increasingly influential government that could otherwise wield too much power over them.
“You think your guns can protect you from us, if we want to get to you?” it concluded. “You think we don’t know how to find you when you are at your most vulnerable? Next time you’re relaxing in the sauna at the tennis club on Tuesday and Thursday evenings, why don’t you think about that one again?”
It added, “By the way, we love what you’ve done with the spare bedroom. That new wallpaper really pops. Also, you made the right decision, not getting premium cable. You barely watch any TV as it is these days. Also, you might want to consider laying off the hot pockets now and then. So much sodium!”
The government also noted that it has “More or less owned all your asses since the fifties or so, but nice try, America. Your optimism and misguided sense of your own independence is super adorable and reminds us why we love this great country of ours so much.”