Paul Ryan: Melting Of Polar Ice Caps Is God’s Way Of Gifting Us Oil

According to Rep. Paul Ryan, although God often works in mysterious ways, clearly the deity’s stance on our nation’s energy policy is to drill, drill and drill some more. This month, the Obama administration began an emergency 60-day review on its decision to allow Shell Oil Company to commence exploration and drilling in the Arctic Ocean. Many wonder whether this is the beginning of the end for Arctic oil exploration. For Paul Ryan the question is not whether we should drill in the Arctic but how quickly can we get started. Speaking before an advisory panel for the Environmental Protection Agency (E.P.A.), Ryan stated,

“It is clear to me, and it’s clear to millions of Americans that the melting of the polar ice caps is a real phenomenon. What it is not however, is an indication of human-created pollution. The melting is evidence of God’s goodness. He has gazed down upon his people and seen them struggling. He has watched as they are unable to fill up their cars, trucks and SUVs. He has heard their prayers and answered them with a gift: the warmth of his love. That warmth has touched the Arctic and swept away the ice to reveal a wealth of resources for his people. Not only should we drill in the Arctic, it is our moral obligation to drill there as quickly as we can.”

Not surprisingly, Ryan’s remarks were met with strong reactions by the scientists on the E.P.A. panel. Two of the members suffered whiplash from shaking their heads back and forth too quickly. Three more fainted when the constant rolling of their eyes made them dizzy. The panel moderator simply said, “Thank you Representative Ryan. We will take your comments under advisement.” She was seen minutes later banging her head repeatedly against a wall.

A spokesperson for Shell Oil agrees that the Administration should allow them to continue their “altruistic” work. “This country needs oil and we are ready to serve.” Shell was questioned about the myriad of problems they’ve faced in the Arctic recently:

“Well sure, we had an oil rig that ran aground off of Kodiak Island on New Year’s Eve, and then there was the rig that broke its moorings last summer in the Aleutian Islands. And yes the inspection of our equipment used to clean oil spills ‘failed spectacularly’ and sure we have had some trouble getting our vessels certified by the Coast Guard. Really though, it was the air pollution violations from the E.P.A. that hurt us the most. Putting all of that aside, things have run pretty smoothly.”

Given the perspectives of Rep. Ryan and Shell Oil it is pretty clear that drilling in the Arctic Ocean is the correct decision. Environmentalists warn that an oil spill cleanup in the Arctic Ocean would be nearly impossible because of its remote location and icy waters. However, that seems like a pretty pessimistic view. Especially since God himself wants us to do drill there. Should an accident occur, it seems pretty certain that the rig would just need a divine Band-Aid and everything would be fine. Finally, while it is true that a French oil company decided not to drill in the Arctic because they believed the risk of a spill was too great, that isn’t really relevant. Remember you should never trust Socialists.


Check out more from Orbson Rice:

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Orbson Rice is the author of the book “Exposing My Orbs: The Rise of a Liberal Satirist” and the “Creator” of the blog “The Orbson Oracle” which is thoroughly offensive, often thoughtful and occasionally funny. Stroke your mouse and visit the Oracle to read more or befriend him on Facebook.




photo by: loveforutah

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