The reproductive health services provider Planned Parenthood has developed drone technology designed to provide abortions to women in all areas of the country, president Cecile Richards confirmed Friday morning.
In a video uploaded to Planned Parenthood’s web site, Richards said, “We’ve been trying to think of a way to give more women access to safe abortions without dealing with harassment from protestors outside our buildings. Fortunately, our team was able to mimic drone technology used by our government, but instead of terminating terrorists, our drones terminate pregnancies. They will be available to clients just after Valentine’s Day.”
Richards explained that the drone technology was made possible by their biggest donor, Satan.
“The Prince of Darkness has been incredibly generous,” Richards said. “There were many other causes he could have given to this year, like Al-Qaeda or the American Nazi Party, so it was very kind of him to deem our work most worthy. We are very honored.”
The drones would not be possible without his help; each is equipped with a laser that shoots a black beam of pure, concentrated evil into the womb of the pregnant woman, ending the life of the innocent bundle of cells inside within about fifteen minutes.
The drone abortions are safe and simple to execute. All a client needs to do is give her address to the nearest Planned Parenthood, schedule a time, then sit outside with her legs spread-eagle at the scheduled time and the drone will fly over and terminate the pregnancy with pinpoint accuracy. The procedure is relatively painless for the mother; however, the fetus feels nothing but merciless suffering.
Naturally, Pro-Life Americans are furious and have already sent numerous petitions to President Barack Obama to ban the drones, not to mention angry letters to Richards herself. In response to the criticism, Richards stated that anyone who wishes to protest the actions of Planned Parenthood can “file a complaint at our Customer Service Headquarters located in the middle of our Drone Practice Shooting Range.”
Obama was also quick to respond to the complaints. He gave a brief televised speech in the Oval Office Friday evening in which he stated, “Each American has his or her own views on issues of morality, and I know that many of you are disturbed by Planned Parenthood’s drones and wish me to ban them. However, I must allow Planned Parenthood to utilize those drones. They were funded by my biggest donor.”