It wasn’t long after the string of recent massacres that Eddie Johlen started to worry about himself. In fact, many Americans were feeling the same way. This fear for some is all-encompassing and for many it takes over their every thought.
You see, Eddie has a medical condition that requires the use of semi-automatic weapons with maximum capacity magazines that fire as fast as a finger can pull the trigger to inflict the most amount of damage possible. He needs this weapon to feel strong and secure and solid on his feet. He needs it to quench the thought of impending intrusions, uprisings of vampires, and the zombie apocalypse. He also needs it because he has an incredibly small penis and needs it to feel strong and worthy of a woman’s love.
Recently, President Obama has been looking at solutions to end high body-count massacres, and diminish other acts of gun violence. Eddie however feels that this is a direct attack against him and his medical condition. He told Free Wood Post, “That there president has no right to take away my right to show others that I can truly be a man by holding a piece of weaponry. It’s all I got. I need it. I have a doctor’s note and everything. My psychologist even told me that it helps with my paranoid personality disorder and delusions of grandeur. It’s a medical necessity. I thought the president cared about the health care of Americans, now this just proves he is a socialist commie marxist buddhist muslim hindu anti-American nazi. There’s a reason they call it a Bushmaster, because it helps you master getting bush. Without it, I’m just a man with a small willy.”
Even Bushmaster advertises that they offer their consumers a “man card” with every purchase. They have a partnership with the American Medical Association offering their services to those in need of overcompensation.
It’s apparent that Mr. Johlen will not give up his fight against his manhood. When told that he could still have a gun even if gun and ammunition reform were to pass as long as he showed he was mentally capable, passed a background check, and showed responsibility he replied, “It’s just not the same. If I can’t own the biggest and baddest out there I’m not going to be able to overcompensate to the best of my ability. I’d have to resort to just driving monster trucks with hanging balls off the back, and that’s just not good enough.”